I am an obsessive-compulsive-avoidant-paranoid-schizoid. Well, I was yesterday. Today I’m only obsessive-compulsive-avoidant. Tomorrow I’m hoping only to be obsessive-compulsive, however, given my daily mantra of “I don’t like people”, it’s looking like tomorrow will be an avoidance day. Thank goodness I’m telecommuting tomorrow.
Recently I’ve been doing a lot of reading about personality disorders. Specifically, obsessive-compulsive disorder. In fact, I recently finished a book called “just checking - scenes from the life of an obsessive-compulsive” by emily colas. She doesn’t use upper case, just like k.d. lang, or h.l. buckmaster, so that automatically makes her incredibly cool and important.
Some of you who are well read, may be familiar with the author and commentator on NPR, David Sedaris (those of you who are not well read should consider using alternate fonts, colours, or getting a different publisher). Aside from being from my home town, and being a guy like me, and having written profound literature like me, and being an entertainer like me, and having lived in multiple places like me, and having a sister not like me, Sedaris also does a lot of writing about obsessive-compulsive behavior. Things like: licking light switches, or touching his desk and chair a certain number of times before sitting down, or just checking…I recommend everyone check out some of his books: Naked, Me Talk Pretty One Day, Barrel Fever, Holiday’s On Ice.
emily colas also writes similar vignettes about obsession and compulsion. Incessant cleaning of the floors, checking for cuts or scratches or blood, touching light switches multiple times, or checking the dishwasher to make sure only dishes are in there. Unfortunately, her behavior caused a divorce, but anyway…
I have begun documenting my own obsessive-compulsive behavior. For example, I think we all read or have heard stories about someone’s pet accidentally getting into the washing machine and not being around any longer. Ever since I heard that, I have to check to make sure all of my cats are in another room before I will close, or turn on the washing machine or dryer. If I am washing dishes in the dishwasher, all pets must be accounted for, and I have to check twice before closing the door and turning it on. Before I leave the house in the morning, all pets must be counted and touched. If I can’t find one of them, even if I KNOW one is under my bed, I go to the kitchen, get the container of kitty treats, and shake it until all three are at my feet.
This has the unfortunate side effect of my cats all being overweight and tired all the time, but it’s a small price to pay to make sure that they haven’t somehow snuck outside (even though I haven’t opened any doors or windows), gotten trapped in the shower curtain, fallen behind the entertainment center, or fallen into the toilet (even though the lid is down), and will be stuck that way while I’m at work.
Obsession and compulsion aren’t just about obsession and compulsion or being obsessed about something or having the compulsion to do something. They can also be about routines or rituals that must be followed, similar to organized religion. Now that I think about that, routines that must be followed are all about the compulsion to do something and being obsessed about doing it, however, I’d like to think that I have more problems than just obsession or compulsion, so for the time being let’s consider that I’m now obsessive-compulsive-ritualistic. Not ritualistic in a pagan, cultist, wiccan, mondavian, pavlovian way, but ritualistic in an obsession and I have to say and do it just this way kind of way. And to my pagan, cultist, wiccan, mondavian, pavlovian friends, word up to you and your rituals.
While my religious/spiritual beliefs have changed and evolved over time, when I was younger I was a complete addict to the ritual of church. Getting up on Sunday morning, putting on dress clothes, combing my hair until every single strand was perfect, going to church, checking the bulletin even though the format was always the same every week (except holidays, which required a special ritual), the Apostle’s Creed, the Lord’s Prayer, the Doxology, the Gloria, the benediction, the hymns, just the entire “ness” of the church ritual. I loved it. I could have cared less what was being said in the sermon, or what was being said in the prayers, because it was just the fact that they were happening on schedule. I knew that the sermon would take exactly 20 minutes, and that there was only a standard deviation of +/- 5 minutes on the length of the full service.
These rituals still exist into my adulthood. I still walk around my house reciting the Apostle’s creed, just because I can. Not because I listen to the words any more, it’s just a ritual. Just like waking up at 4:30am because Lasher is walking back and forth across my stomach, getting up and feeding the cats, closing the door to the office (because Rowan will start running around and throw up everything he just ate and I don’t want him throwing up all over the computers), drinking some soy milk, using the bathroom, crawling back in bed, waiting for Siobhan to join me and start purring, going back to sleep, waking up at 6:30am to the sounds of October Project or another one of my “wake-up“ cd’s, taking a shower (always check that there is soap, that the water dish is poured out, the curtain is pushed back and the shampoo is ready before getting in), refilling the water dish, brushing my teeth, putting on deodorant, turning the fan around to point into the bathroom to dry it out, walking to my room, putting on cologne, getting dressed (always start with socks, then underwear, then shorts/pants/shoes/undershirt/shirt), back to the bathroom to style and perfect my hair, back to my room to put on my watch and get my glasses, telling the cats I’m going to work, saying goodbye to David, checking my backpack and laptop, opening the garage, turning off the alarm, checking the cats, touching the cats, counting the cats, setting the alarm, saying goodbye to the cats, leaving the house. Unwavering. This is the ritual every single day that I go to work. It doesn’t alter, it doesn’t change.
A side note about the risks of being overly well-read: I read a book on neurobics…exercises you can do to keep your brain alive and active. One of them had me try brushing my teeth with my non-dominant hand, so for me that meant brushing with my left. Not only does this cause an entire other part of your brain to need to function, but it takes FOREVER. This caused a break in my ritual for the day, and completely ruined it. I yelled at all the stupid drivers on the highway (not sure this is different from any other day, but I attribute it to the ritual invasion), the cafe didn’t have any breakfast ready when I arrived, my office was too hot and I got sweaty, and many countless other horrible things happened as well (not because of the sweating but because of the brushing). I haven’t tried the brushing swap again.
Obsession and compulsion (which some of you may recall was a floor cleaner by Calvin Kleen, on an old episode of SNL) can also deal with addictions. So I really am obsessive-compulsive-ritualistic-addictive. I have three addictions in my life: books, peanut butter, and sour cream.
I can’t go to a bookstore without buying as many books as I can hold. My house is FULL of them. Books I’ve read 50 times, and books I’ve never opened. But I have to have them. Whenever I get enough American Express points, or Discover Card bonus points, I cash them in for gift cards for book stores. I have to buy books. I have even taken to avoiding any locations that might have a book store, because I know I can’t control my obsession with books. (My parents recently contributed to my addiction by sending me a gift card for Barnes and Noble, and a club discount card, so not only can I get free books, I can get more of them)
Peanut butter comes next. There’s nothing better than cutting up a granny smith apple (go away mrs. smith, go away until your daughter has a baby - if anyone gets this reference, i’ll take you out to lunch), laying the pieces out on a plate (it has to be sliced with the same knife every time, in the same way, and when I get close to the pips, I stop cutting and eat the remaining apple off the core then throw it away, before eating any of the normal slices), getting a huge scoop of Skippy smooth peanut butter (other peanut butters are unacceptable in my home), and dolloping it down for dipping. If there is an apple in the house, I have to eat it with peanut butter. In fact, if I run out of peanut butter, I have to go to the store within 24 hours to replenish my supply.
Finally, we come to sour cream. I can’t eat chips and salsa without it. I can’t have a quesadilla without it, and I can’t eat a burrito without it. In fact, even if the dish comes with sour cream, I have to order another side of it, and have to have enough to completely smother the item. If there’s no sour cream yet, I won’t even touch the food until they bring it. I will sit impatiently, and remind them every time they come near the table that I need a side of sour cream.
The true challenge in my life, however, comes with combining obsessive-compulsive-ritualistic-addictive behavior, with short and long term memory loss and attention deficit disorder. Did I already defrag my computer today? Maybe I need to do it again just to make sure. Did I lock the car this morning and did I hear the alarm beep? I better walk all the way back out to the remote parking lot just to make sure it’s locked, in case someone walks by and sees that it’s unlocked and they steal my Andy Bell cd (it’s locked by the way, I just got back from checking).
Daily, I will be working on something important on the computer, get up to use the restroom, come back and have no idea what I was doing. A thought will pop into my mind about a website I need to visit, like msnbc.com, or circuit. I will open a web browser, and by the time the browser window has opened (it takes about 10-15 seconds on a T40 running XP), I have no clue why I opened the browser window. Why is IE open? Was there a site I needed to get information from? It’s like having advanced attention deficit disorder, which we all know now has nothing to do with attention defication, but has to do with high intelligence and boredom.
I recently heard a joke…
“How many kids with attention deficit disorder does it take to screw in a light bulb? “
(dramatic pause)
“Hey lets go ride bikes!!!”
It took me a moment to get that one when I heard it, since I was wondering whether it was one of the new energy star compact fluorescent bulbs, or one of the old energy wasting incandescent, but by the time I realized that wasn’t the point of the joke it was over, and I was left wondering whether I’d left the gas on at home, or turned off the kitchen light before coming to work…if anyone needs me I’ll be working from home the rest of the day.