We’re now through the first full week of American Idol auditions, and what a week it was. We had the standard fare of delusional contestants, who dressed up in their favourite most idiotic costume, and attempted to wow the judges with yet another botched rendition of Bohemian Crapsody (thanks for that pun Ryan).

There were those who actually had the talent, and of course those who should never have been allowed through the doors. I think it’s pretty easy to look at some of these folks and clue them in that America will never vote for them…there’s a difference between white bread American idol winners, and quirky alone chicks who yell when they talk and bring their identical twin mother to the competition.

So who is it really, that auditions for American Idol? Who are these people? Where do they come from? Where do they get their delusions of adequacy?

Let’s break it down…

The way I see it, contestants fall into a few different categories:

1. The confident talent: let’s get this one out of the way right at the beginning. These are the people who know they have it, and they bring it. They dress appropriately, they have an engaging personality, and they can back up their desire to be the next AI with a voice that matches the confidence. You can identify these contestants because the studio cameras will alternate between Paula who stares in awe, and Simon who stares with no expression. It is also a good bet that the show will do an enhanced bio on these folks if they are going to get through – who pays to send a camera crew on board an aircraft carrier if that contestant won’t pass the test?
2. The shy talent: These are the people who are not sure if they have it, but someone has told them they do, and they actually do. They might be a bit shy in front of the judges, because they are intimidated, but once they start singing, the confidence builds and they hit all the right notes. You can identify these contestants because the studio cameras will zoom in to Paula, and she will often be seen with tears.
   
3. The 15 Minute Famers: I think we all know about these folks. Typically they will be dressed in some outlandish costume, such as the statue of liberty, uncle sam, or in this season, a boxer complete with boxing gloves. Rarely if ever do these people have a voice to back up their ridiculous look. This group is limited to only those who have dressed up on purpose for the show, not for people who simply have no fashion sense.
4. Goths and Quirky Alones: I think many of us recall a girl from last year, who was completely goth, with purple highlights, and had the voice of an opera singer. Odd look. Great voice. Wrong for this competition. But it goes beyond the goth…you’ve also got the quirky alone, and I think from week one, we can all remember who that is. Here’s a hint – she brought her mom, who looked like her identical twin only with longer and darker hair. Remember now? Good. The goth’s have a possibility of good voices, and so do the quirky alones, but you have to be cautious of the over-the-top personality that often accompanies them. If you talk so loud that we need ear plugs, and you look 180 degrees from any other AI winner, it’s a good bet you’re going home.
5. The Hidden Freaks: These people start out semi-normal, but once they are told that it’s a big fat NO, they decide they need to pull out their styling gel, and give Simon a hair-makeover. Security! Oh, and no, you look absolutely NOTHING like Taylor Hicks. Go wash that grey right out of your hair.
   
6. The Visible Freaks (or geeks): If you look like a Bush Baby, it’s probably a good bet that you’re not going to Hollywood. Though perhaps Simon actually meant he looked like Bush…holding a baby. I’m not sure.
7. Delusionals: These are the people that I really feel for. Someone has obviously told them that they can sing, and whomever that was, they need to be smacked. Often, these folks are completely genuine in their belief that they are the next AI. They might have some mental instability, but it’s not required to be delusional. You can tell who these folks are as soon as they tell the judges that their friends tell them they can sing really good. Oh, and friends telling you they like your instrumental work, is vastly different from your singing ability. Stay home at the software company and watch the show.
8. The Jon Benet’s: No disrespect intended, but I think we all know that there are some domineering parents out there who want to doll up their child and send them on the show. These parents deserve more of a slap than the delusionals. The delusionals often really believe they have talent, while this category is for the parents who did not get to grow up with AI, and wish they could audition themselves. But since they can’t, they get their kids to do it so they can live out their sick fantasy through their children. Shame, shame, shame.
9. The Just Plain Useless: Why oh why did the producers let these people in?? Was it to cause the American public pain? I think yes. I think the producers realize that America is such a reality show addicted country, they want to punish us, just a little bit, by forcing us to sit through the most ridiculous and painful rendition of a Righteous Brother’s song ever transmitted across the airwaves. I find myself screaming at the television, begging them to just stop the madness. Simon must be really taxing his self control by not just stopping these people from their pit of embarrassment, but again, I think he’s sending the public a subtle message…shame, shame, shame.

As we begin week two, it will be interesting to see if the next cities contestants fall into these same categories, or if we’ll be surprised with something brand new and incredible. Best wishes to everyone who competes, and for those of you who just want your 15 minutes, be prepared that it’s all you’re ever going to get…oh, and for all the William Hung’s out there, like the Bush Baby and his friend…just because you get on all the talk shows to discuss how poorly you were treated, doesn’t mean that you’re going to be famous. There’s a fine line between fame, and ridicule.

(Week 2 – New York)

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