We’re in Texas this week! The state where things are big. Big and bad. Really, really, really bad. They don’t do anything small. The good ones are really good, and the bad ones are really bad. But you know you want to hear about the bad ones, so let’s get started.

This was the last stop on the audition tour, so I think we were hoping it was going to be big and beautiful, but only 22 people more than what we saw made it through to Hollywood. Will the winner be from the south? We shall see.

The night started off with Bryan Kyrish, who yelled sang Rebel Yell for the judges. “MO! MO! MO!” Yeah, take your breakdancing fool *ss back home, because I do not want any mo mo mo of you.

We had a bit more of “good lookin out” from Randy, but thankfully it was limited to only once or twice this time around. Really, has anyone figured out what this means yet?

Haley Scarnato got a big yes from the judges after “I can’t make you love me” – Bonnie Rait, and after shaking all the judges hands since she’d never met them before. Why did Randy ask her if she’d ever met Paula? Who would have met Paula unless they were on the show? It’s not like Paula just walks around town meeting people…c’mon dawg.

Jasmin Holland was the first BIG no of the night…I say big because she was, and her awfulness was also big, as was her moms. First off, she walked in like she’d just found out her puppy died…second, she was wearing the tightest pink pants I’ve ever seen. Really not appropriate, and the judges were laughing within seconds from her pouty look and the camel toe. Horrible singing, and she got pissed off when she left, asking Randy who he was in the industry. After leaving, her mom decided that Simon needed to go back to France, until Ryan reminded her he is English, and she decided he then needed to go back to “British”. Nice. Very classy lady.

Another yes with Baylie Brown (everyone loved her name), who is the small town girl from Krum, TX, but she’s a city girl at heart. Well she’s going to get her chance in Hollywood – excellent country voice with just the right amount of twang. You know they make it when the montage about them involves interviewing their parents, and going through her citified wardobe.

The show paused at this point for a little montage of contestants trying to go out of the wrong door. If you’ve been watching this season, you’ll know one of the favourite phrases from Simon is “other door”, and we got to see a bunch of that. It was pretty funny watching some of the contestants literally run smack into the door trying to get out with their golden ticket. You’d think they would put a sign on the wrong door, but I think they get a great deal of joy out of watching contestents knock themselves silly.

Bruce Banner and the Incredible Hulk were next. Actually, their real names were William Green and Akron Watson. Akron got through with a good voice (but needs more personality – see comment below for link to the news article about him NOT going to Hollywood). But the funniest part of the evening, and according to David, the funniest thing ever to happen on Idol, was William Green. He had a horrible audition, singing the slowest version of Amazing Grace ever done, in the lowest possible octave. As he left, he thanked them, but told the judges he would have to “represent for the cameras“, so as he left, he yelled back into them about how crazy they were and the mistake they had made. Randy, Paula and Simon were in tears laughing. It was so funny we had to “ba-boop” our Tivo backwards and watch it again.

On to the second half of the program…

Next up, LaRisa Curry, who was wearing every possible colour in hots and pastels that she possible could, while writhing around on the floor attempting to sing. It was sick and wrong, and she didn’t make it through. Deborah Tyler was very quickly next, singing butchering Vogue (which by the way, is the wrong song for an audition). She casually mentioned that when she sings in public, sometimes people cry. Yes dear…from the excruciating pain you’re causing us by demolishing a quintessential song.

We moved on to Sandie Chavez, who apparently sang for the must-be-deaf mayor of Houston. She delivered a ridiculous rendition of Black Velvet…we couldn’t even understand the words coming out of her mouth! Elocution honey! And holding your hand to your ear does NOT make you sound any better.

The highlight of the evening, however, was Ashlyn Carr, who instigated an Idol first (and also revealed that she was beaten up in school because she had a good voice). Ashlyn was full of facial expressions during her first audition (yes, first of two). So many expressions, in fact, that they became distracting and the judges passed on her. She left in tears, but very polite. But it didn’t end there. Simon decided they had made a mistake, and they called her back in for a first ever second audition. She was again incredibly polite, and understood their feedback. She sang another song, and they sent her through to Hollywood. Good for her for maintaining her composure through that. (And you heard it here first…Ashlyn was arrested for putting sugar in someone’s gas tank) I guess they did make a mistake after all.

Note to all contestants: when you get the golden ticket, you need to act like you are on TV every minute of the day. I wouldn’t even pick your nose if I were you.

Jake the Snake (Jacob Tutor) was next. David thought he was kinda cute, but the facial hair was just too messy and unkempt for my taste. Singing, oh no. Simon was right that he needs to sing in a very dark room. Strange gothy aspect to him, and he got pissed when he got the big NO. Cussing is never attractive…at least on national television.

The final audition of the show was Jimmy McNeal, who Simon called a “little fun Reuben”. He had a great voice and was through to Hollywood, but the best part was him explaining to his little sister that he was going to Hollywood. Her reaction? “So?”

Cheers to all the contestants who made it through, and we’ll see you tomorrow night for a special “auditions that we didn’t have time to show you” show.

If you want a recap, check out all the posts in the American Idol category.

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