Given the recent announcement in NYC today, I thought it appropriate to speak a moment about evolution.
In the beginning, lived Adam and Eve.
In the next village over lived their good friend named Steve.
Now Adam and Eve, they were lovers, quite true,
which made their friend Steve rather sad, and quite blue.
For Steve had a secret, but no one to tell,
for they were the only ones living in hell.
Just the three, that was it, no others around,
and in the beginning, three made a crowd.
So Steve was alone, and quite sad, and quite blue
for in his mind Adam was his love that was true.
From the moment he saw him out under the moon
he knew he must have him, and he must have him soon.
But Eve was a problem, she didn’t like Steve,
in fact she considered him her biggest pet peeve.
He talked rather funny, and when he got dressed,
he always had rose buds attached to his vest.
But Steve liked the roses, they had such a bouquet,
but in the beginning was no concept of “gay”.
So Steve was just “Steve”, neither gay straight or bi,
He knew what he liked, and what he liked was a guy.
A guy who was hitched, to a pretty young thing,
though Steve quickly noticed, she didn’t have a ring.
Which meant that his options were now quite wide open,
he had to get Adam before Eve could elope him.
But how could he tell if Adam had interest?
Among their two preferences was there really a difference?
Might it be Adam just never considered
that Steve could offer what Eve hadn’t delivered?
And so in the beginning, the straights and the gay,
lived in separate villages, one night and one day.
And so life began with us only one third,
but soon to evolve and to change the whole world.
(please take a brief pause at this time for evolution to take place)
One day, making tracks
In the prairie of Prax,
Came Gay-Going Max
And Straight-Going Max.
And it happened that both of them came to a place
Where they bumped. There they stood.
Foot to foot. Face to face.
“Hello!” the Gay-Going Max said, “I am gay!
You are dressed like a frat-boy, you must also be gay!
I’m Gay-Going Max and I always go gay.
So walk with me and let us both be all gay!”
“How dare you be gay!?” snapped the Straight-Going Max.
“I always go straight, making straight-going tracks.
I am not THAT WAY, and nor should you be,
So let me go straight, and YOU follow ME!”
Then the Gay-Going Max puffed his chest up with pride.
“I’ll never,” he said, “become straight on the side.
And I’ll prove to you that I won’t change my ways
If I have to be gay here fifty-nine days!”
“And I’ll prove to YOU,” yelled the Straight-Going Max,
“That I can stand here in the prairie of Prax
For fifty-nine years! For I live by a rule
That I learned as a boy back in Straight-Going (Catholic) School.
Never be gay! That’s my rule. Not at all!
No experimentation, and no joking at all!
I’ll stay here, and be hetero! I can and I will
If it makes you and me and the whole world stand still!”
(Please pause while we pretend the world stands still…)
(Evolution continues)
So the world kept on going, and gays kept on growing
until they outnumbered the birds and the bees.
And no one complained, because as I explained,
that thing, evolution, brought the world to its knees.
We suddenly found that it really makes sense
that Adam and Eve could be Adam and Spence.
Or Adam and Mel, or Eve and Rachelle,
or even an Adam, Rachelle and Michelle.
The world kept on going, despite all the gays
the planet kept spinning and soaking sun rays
the cars kept on going and trees kept on growing
and all of the rivers and lakes were still flowing!
“How could this be?”, the straights said to themselves.
“I thought all the gays would go straight back to hell!
But it seems like the world doesn’t mind them at all,
in fact it now seems there’s no problem at all!
hey are friendly and kind, and they smell really fresh
and they wear all those clothes made of zibeline* and mesh
and they dance in the clubs and they sing on TV
and they look just like you and they look just like me!”
“I guess we shouldn’t hate them after all!
No more pointing and whispering as they walk down the hall!
We should truly respect them and worship them all!
Just look how they revitalized our strip mall!”
And so evolution, took hold in this land
and we all knew the plot of “The Boys in the Band“,
and Wong Foo was famous and so was Pricilla,
and Hedwig proved there’s no such thing, as vanilla.
And every identity, and every race,
every creed and belief, in every place,
was equal and valued, a new revolution
and we owe it all to that thing, evolution.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
The Max, originally The Zax by Dr. Seuss, adapted by H. Buckmaster
All other literary dialogue presented above is copyright H. Buckmaster, July 2002