What a joyous day of the week when American Idol comes on and we’re subjected to the delusional minds and vocals of people who we’ll only see again at the AI finale when they invite back the worst of the worst to perform…

But enough about that…on with the show!

Auditioning in: Jacksonville

1. Simon and Ryan fooling around in the limo trying to say “Here we are in Florida” in their “normal voices”.
2. Journey montage, featuring Randy Jackson as guitarist.
3. Justin look-alike singing Marvin Gaye. Oh hell no – they must be desperate to get people to Hollywood.
4. Contestant brought a dog in. Simon held it while she auditioned poorly. Through to Hollywood on looks alone.
5. Paula kissed Kara. It was very awkward.
6. Sometimes the singers are so bad that Simon insists on talking to their mom.
7. Girl with a very … wrong laugh. How the heck do these people get through?
8. “Don’t get her confused with Naomi Campbell…she’s not black.”
9. Devin Cates – he got cut and it caused a domino effect for his 5 minute friend Darin who got so emotional he could barely function/audition.
10. “If you can’t take it in this room we did you a huge solid.” – WTF?
11. Samantha sits on Randy’s lap and Paula sits on Simon’s lap and Ryan sits on Kara’s lap while Samantha’s friend auditions and bombs so bad Simon thinks it’s a joke and she bursts into tears to end the first day of auditions.
12. Jasmine kicks off day 2 with a Fergie song. Beautiful girl, piercing voice though. Judges thought she was great.
13. 89078 the physics nerd with a heck of a lot of facial hair. Neck spasms – shook his head every note he sang.
14. If you like the voice and the girl, but not the look, just send her out to change clothes and put on makeup – she’ll be better the next time.
15. Really funny diet Coke commercial with Heidi Klum wearing some outlandish stuff on the runway.
16. Since American Idol is a SINGING competition, you can’t break down just because they won’t let you play guitar for your audition. And a do-rag is never a good look for a white-boy. Neither is dissing your mom when she tries to give you a kiss.
17. Girl from #14 comes back with a new look, and once again gives a great audition.
18. Walkin’ on Sunshine send-off montage with mostly off-pitch singers.

Auditioning in: Salt Lake City

1. We’re in the home of David Archuleta, so it can’t be all bad.
2. Shiny Happy People montage.
3. David Osmond from Provo, Utah. That’s right, of THE Osmond family. He’s through to the Wood, and he’s in remission with MS.
4. 40030 – the only Goth Chick in SLC. She is indeed Every Woman, only without the ability to sing.
5. There are a lot of people in SLC with very weird eyes, including the Seth MacFarlane look-alike (who was totally cute but didn’t make it through).
6. “Judges saying no” montage while the contestants keep smiling.
7. Frankie Jordan had a huge amount of confidence and a swanky cool voice. Yes…Frankie Goes to Hollywood.
8. “It’s ok to follow your dreams,” especially if you’re the president of your senior class, and cute, and bubbly with personality.
9. Yet another “no” montage.
10. I don’t care for religious songs as auditions, but if you can sing that well it doesn’t matter.
11. What’s with all these 16 and 17 year olds from Utah going to Hollywood. They do know that once they get to Hollywood they are totally going to be corrupted, right?
12. Lots of “no” montages.
13. Lost my internet connection and a bunch of updates.
14. Saying you are “17 years of age” instead of “17 years old” sounds pretentious, even if you are a beautiful girl named Rose.

Finishing out the auditions: NYC and San Juan

1. Interesting that PR is a protectorate and not actually a state of the United States, but I firmly believe they are Americans. They really should be the 51st state.
2. NY intro montage, including judges arriving via helicopter, and contestants saying “forgetaboutit”.
3. Don’t quit your job until you actually get enough “yeses” to get to Hollywood. Although you can always count on Simon to call your boss and get your job back.
4. Moving to PR, and I love those Spanish accents. Hot. And as Simon said, if they didn’t want someone with an accent they would have gone to Omaha.
5. Jessica participated in 700 singing contests, and she won a whole lot of glitter. However, she did not win a golden ticket.
6. Another “no” montage.
7. “I’m happy while I dance naked in my room.” Beautiful look, and a beautiful voice.
8. Jackie had a scratchy voice, reminded me a bit of Alanis but not as raw. Her audition was overshadowed by the blinds behind the judges collapsing to the floor.
9. Back to PR and a subtitled and very dramatic montage of bad singers while “Wicked Game” plays in the background.
10. The Crazy Rocker of PR…he dressed up as an iPod/GuyPod, had a lion puppet, and was absolutely horrendous. He ran out screaming “I got a No!” and cheering.
11. Norman was an absolute joy. He couldn’t help going cabaret even when singing seriously. It was brilliant, and they said yes. Love it.
12. Good singer montage, including a Carrie Underwood wannabe.
13. Bad singer montage, including a Perez Hilton look-alike.
14. It helps to have a cute little brother to convince the judges to say yes.
15. Last NY audition is familiar from last year – Alexis the glitter queen. She attempted to sing Madonna Like a Prayer. I think she needs to pray for a vocal cord transplant some day. Just as bad as last year.
16. Last PR audition of the day – Patricia Lewis Roman. She sang some Whitney, and did an ok job. Not the greatest voice but fun personality. I think the smile got her through.

And that’s it for the auditions. Next week we’re off to Hollywood and the awful week of hell. I can’t wait!