By popular demand, I present my Easter celebratory monologue.

In the spirit of multiculturalism and diversity that has spread through our wonderful country like wildfire recently, I have chosen to dedicate this special blog to the Christian holiday, Easter*.

What is Easter? Where did it come from? Is it a religious holiday or a celebration of all things small, furry, and blue/white with big floppy ears?

As a child I remember trying to stay up as late as I could the day before Easter (Easter Eve), so I could catch a glimpse of the Easter Bunny (or wasn’t it supposed to be a resurrected savior? – never fear, they’ve now combined the two).

Finally when my eyelids would no longer stay open, usually about 8pm, I fell asleep. After arising the next day (also usually 8pm), I would race to my bedroom door to see what Jesus had left for me. Who knew that Jesus could turn a loaf of bread into a basket of multi-coloured eggs.

I think that’s why I’m gay. No, not because a god performed a miracle with the chicken and the egg, but because the rainbow flag was bestowed on me at such an early age. The eggs were red and yellow and green and brown and scarlet and black and ocre and peach, ruby and olive and violet and fawn, cream and silver and purple and gold, russet and white and pink and orange and BLUE!

Ok, so I didn’t really have THAT many eggs, but those were the colours on Joseph’s Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat and they sure were pretty…anyway…..eggs. The basket was full of them. But not just ordinary eggs. These eggs were plastic! I wasn’t sure what you did to an egg to make it plastic, but I’m sure it involved a lot of boiling.

Needless to say, I wasn’t very careful with them because I knew there was no yolk to spill. What I didn’t realize though is that instead of yolk, Jesus had put money and candy inside these eggs! The money was obviously meant for me to put in the offering plate at church, but the candy was all mine!
Jelly beans of every colour imagineable, jujube’s, candy corn (I thought these were only for Hellaween!), marshmallow duckies with sugar on top, raindrops on roses and noses on kittens, bright yellow packages tied up with string, these are a few of my fav…whoops! got a little carried away there.

Eggs. Candy in the eggs. So of course I had to eat all the candy in the 2 hours before church. By the time we got to god’s house, and what a fine pad he had with a loft and track lighting and candles from Pier 1….anyway…I had a tummy ache. Let’s all thank the lord for these gifts which give us gas.

We sang some songs about a tomb and a rock, well, a boulder really, a monolith in fact, Ayers rock if you will….and then something about rising from the dead, but I didn’t see what that had to do with candy so I didn’t sing along. Finally church was over and it was time for the Easter Brunch. I don’t know why they call it Easter Brunch, because by the time we got there it was well after noon, which practically makes it Easter Dinner or maybe Linner, or Dunch.

To further confuse the issue we had exactly the same food as we’d had for Thanksgiving Brunch/Dinner. Apparently the holidays are related, though I don’t know why anyone would give thanks for dying on the same day every single year and being put in a cold rocky tomb, but who am I to judge another lifestyle?

So Easter Ludinner ended, and my tummy was even more sore, because now the jelly beans were combining with the baked beans, and the juxtaposition of the two in my stomach was creating a very unpleasant ride home. Somehow I managed to survive the 2 mile trip from cafeteria to bedroom, where I lay on top of the covers moaning in pain. All the while thanking the heavens for the blessings bestowed on me this day.

After a few hours I started feeling better and decided to revisit the Easter basket to see if I had overlooked anything. Anyone who has seen an Easter Basket knows how easily things can get lost in the green plastic grass strips.

I dumped the cash out and stuffed it in my piggy bank and started digging through the Astroturf. Low and behold and ye verily, the mother lode appeared!

Apparently Jesus appreciated me going to church to celebrate his death, because what to my wondering eyes should appear (no not a sleigh with eight tiny reindeer, honestly we should just consolidate all these holidays into one big HOLIDAY, Celebrate! If we took a holiday, took some time to celebrate, just one day out of life, HOLIDAY!)

The Cadbury Creme Egg. The epitome of egg. The crème de la crème of egg. The Alpha and the Omega of egg. The great I AM egg.

I held the egg gently in my fingers, careful not to warm it too much so that the chocolate would melt in the wrapper. Slowly I peeled back the foil which held it so tight, revealing the true meaning of Easter. Liquid sugar encased in chocolate.

Forget about all this death and dying nonsense. This was my reason for living. My salvation, my rock. This precious gift from above was to be savored, worshiped, praised. And so like a good boy, I praised it like I should.

In one gigantic bite I split the egg apart, showering my taste buds with the rich and creamy goodness that could only come from such a precious gift. I let the liquid sugar and chocolate melt across my tongue, washing away any leftover taste of brunchinner.

Softly and slowly I swallowed. Always wanting to remember this very special Cadbury Crème Egg, and to never forget the true meaning of the holiday.

Then I promptly ran to the bathroom and showered the god who sits on the white porcelain throne with all that I had been bestowed.

* Easter, like Christmas, is a blend of paganism and Christianity. The word Easter is derived from Eostre (also known as Ostara), an ancient Anglo-Saxon Goddess. She symbolized the rebirth of the day at dawn and the rebirth of life in the spring. The arrival of spring was celebrated all over the world long before the religious meaning became associated with Easter.