I was talking on the phone last night with my dear friend Doug in Atlanta. It had been a while since we’d chatted, so we spent time before I had to get to dinner catching up on life, reality television, personal health, pets, and blogging. During the course of the conversation he mentioned that he often uses his blog to talk about things that he probably wouldn’t discuss in person – things that might be more on the personal side – things that are perfectly ok to talk about, but might be easier to talk about when not sitting in front of the person you’re talking to.
It has inspired me on this Friday the 10th of July to open the kimono, as it were, and share a very personal and emotional struggle that I have had with addiction - in the hopes that it might inspire and help others.
Many moons ago I discussed that I have a personality disorder, or perhaps more than one. At the time, November 2005, I considered myself to be obsessive-compulsive-avoidant-paranoid-schizoid. You’ll need to read the other post to understand what on earth all that means. But basically I revealed to the world that the facade of perfection that you see from me is really not all that perfect. I’m actually pretty messed up.
Addiction takes many forms and can cause many disastrous changes in your life, your relationships, and your health. It can cause communication to break-down with your partner to the point of separation; it can bring on ulcers, migraine headaches, and make you susceptible to all manner of ailments; it can even make you ponder whether anything in life matters outside of your addiction.
Basically, you “just gotta have it!”. And in some cases, you will put your entire life on-hold in order to feed the addiction. I was prone to canceling meetings, leaving events early, asking people to leave the house, and even going on my own personal vacation just so I could feed my addiction. I had no problem alienating even my close friends when the hunger hit me – and in the beginning I think they understood, but as time wore on, and my addiction grew worse, the relationships became strained.
They wanted to help but they weren’t sure how. Some people simply backed away. They decided they could no longer associate with me because of my habit. I would say that I lost a number of people over the years – this is one of the worst aspects of addiction and you don’t realize the impact this will have on you until they are gone.
* Image from Designstarphotos
At one point my close friends who had still stuck around considered an intervention. I don’t mean like that TV show Intervention, but their own version of sitting me down and helping me understand that things had to change. I distinctly remember the night that David prepared an elegant dinner, put on some smooth jazz, and told me “We need to talk.”
Over the course of the next hour I came to understand that my addiction was hurting more than just me. I had to get it under control for the sake of my own personal health, but also for the health of the relationship with my partner. Sometimes that’s what it takes – a loving and caring voice telling you that you’re on a destructive path – a path that is only going to lead to disappointment, heartbreak, and possibly worse.
So that everyone can benefit from the learning experience I went through, I wanted to share with you how the conversation went. It only took one loving and caring message from him to let me know I had to take control.
“Heath…you’ve got to stop blogging so much about American Idol.”
And so I am sending out this message of hope, to those of you who also struggle with your own personal addiction. Listen to your friends and loved ones. Take back control of your life. Get help. Love yourself. Get healthy.
