No ween would be complete without the ancient story of the Great Halloween Massacre, so here I deliver an encore presentation…

Is everyone feeling hella good??? I know that when this special dark day of the year rolls around (not to be confused with Hershey’s Special Dark Chocolates), I’m feeling hella great!

Or for those of you with small children reading this, you are permitted to feel hecka great, although hecka great doesn’t even come close to feeling hella great.

What a joyous and fun day to celebrate the exhumation of spirits and ghouls and ghosts and zombies that creep out from every tomb and are closing in to seal your doom (word to MJ).

Halloween is my second favourite holiday just after Xmas (although as of 2009 I think it has surpassed Xmas). Third on the list is Turkey Day, and then after that there are no other holidays that float my boat. Halloween and Xmas are the only two major holidays in our culture that require massive amounts of decorations, themed parties, and costuming.

Houses are decorated with strands of orange lights and pumpkins for Halloween, and are decorated with strands of white and multicoloured lights and trees for Xmas.

Halloween brings us carved pumpkins and roasted seeds, while Xmas brings us carved turkeys and hams and an endless supply of side-dishes. For the dark helladay we dress up in costumes that could be scary, funny, wild, or crazy, and for the bright holiday we dress in festive reds and whites in honour of the leader of Xmas, Santa Clause.

Halloween, however, doesn’t really have the same  official mascot like Xmas. In fact, when we look across the gamut of holidays can you think of any other that has an official figurehead? (and don’t you dare suggest the “Easter Bunny”) Personally I think it’s about time for an officially designated leader of Halloween.

Those of you who are huge fans of The Nightmare Before Xmas may begin the lobby for Jack Skellington, that hollow-headed insane creature who has a fascination for women with stitches all over their bodies. Others of you might feel that because this is the dark helladay, we need a more loathsome, e-ville (as in frew-its of the de-ville) type of creature like Satan, the Devil, Lucifer, Beelzebub, the Fallen One, or some other derivative of the former angel of music (if you didn’t get this, please refer to Music Makes a People Come Together).

But this can’t be a happy story…we are talking about the dark helladay you know…so let us reflect on that most memorable day in our history…

The Great Halloween Massacre…

Enter my Hella-vision. A massively evil orange pumpkin-man, the size of the Stay Puft Marshmallow man from that classic Hellaween movie, Ghostbusters. What other figure could simultaneously cause explosions of laughter, and screams of terror, from children everywhere? They all watch in contorted confusion as the Hellaween Evil Man-Pumpkin (HEMP) comes crashing through their neighbourhoods to steal their candy, decorations, and any child dressed up like a pumpkin.

Panic ensues on Hellaween as children everywhere see the massive pumpkin-man moving toward their city – not knowing what was happening, who it was, where it came from, and why it was orange and as big as the sun. The screaming would echo out through the night as trick-or-treat’ers began their mad dash home while the HEMP took  over the terrified population, summoning ghosts and ghouls from the depths of graveyards and morgues.

Eerie bats, who make that WEEE WEEE WEEE sound, fly out from caverns deep in the mountains…vampire bats, swooping down on unsuspecting children picking them up and carrying them into the lair of the evil HEMP. A dark and dirty lair where he passes the time munching and crunching on their delicate bones.

Screams and wails come from all corners of the globe as children race to change their costumes into something other than pumpkins, so that the HEMP will pass them over. Parents quickly smash all of their carved pumpkins into the street, not only in protest and defiance, but so the HEMP wouldn’t see the carved mockeries of his next of kin. Orange lights on houses would quickly be replaced with black, so the HEMP couldn’t see the scared children hiding behind fake tombstones and witch statues.

HEMP would smash tall buildings, rip out rows of trees, break darns causing huge floods (I’m trying to limit the “language” I’m using – so just say thank you), throw cars around like little toys, express copious amounts of cloudy gas from his pumpkin butt, and generally irritate anyone in the vicinity. After an unnecessary number of hours, the government would be forced to declare a state of emergency.

“The HEMP must be stopped! We must send in armed guards dressed in orange camo! We must send in hella-copters and tanks! We must smite the HEMP and protect our children from the dark helladay!”

But the HEMP was too powerful for the tiny army to defeat (that being the army that was left after the rest of them had been sent across the world to smite a secondary and lesser evil that wasn’t even there in the first place) and so the people of the country would unite together against HEMP on their own! (there would be a special referendum that they would vote on, to abolish the HEMP) (and yes I realize that unite together is redundant but this is a hella-story ok?)

“DOWN WITH THE HEMP, DOWN WITH THE HEMP” they shouted, as parents and children armed themselves with pitchforks that were stuck in haystacks in their front yard decorations, and carving knives from the pumpkin carving set, and torches burning bright to illuminate the city in the unnatural darkness of Hellaween.

HEMP crashed into the center of the town, surrounded by an angry mob and blasting his cloudy gas. He grabbed for the children who hadn’t had time to change costumes and shoved them hungrily into his gaping, toothy mouth.

The angry crowd chanted, “BURN THE HEMP, BURN THE HEMP, SMOKE HIM OUT!!!”. Flames erupted around the HEMP as he tried to jump up a building and get away from the flames, but the force of the parents and children in costumes overpowered him, burning his tender orange flesh. Dark black smoke filled the air on Hellaween, blocking out the last rays of the smouldering sun. HEMP came crashing down in a blaze of glory, a Hellaween bonfire if you will, that sent children and parents dashing through the darkness with costumes and capes blowing behind.

The HEMP got hotter and hotter – he started to expand and bulge, and then suddenly he exploded sending bits of pumpkin and freshly baked seeds flying across all corners of the earth, smacking children in the face and blowing them miles away with the force of the seeds. Ghosts and ghouls flew in every direction with faces full of cooked pumpkin. Showers of orange splattered houses and buildings, trees and mountains, and filled the lakes and rivers with an orange soupy gunk.

At last the explosions stopped. The angry and scared people stood dumbstruck at the carnage around them. People dripped with pumpkin, wandering about looking for loved ones, on this the Great Halloween Massacre. But as the rebuilding process began, and as parents found their children, still in costume but scattered far and wide, they realized  that the day had been saved, and joyous cheering erupted from every mouth (along with bits of seeds and pumpkin rind).

“HURRAY, HURRAH, the HEMP IS GONE!!!!!”

The government, satisfied that the HEMP had been abolished, went back into hibernation.

The people, however, gathered round, bringing bags of brown sugar, salt, baking soda, and nutmeg to enjoy freshly baked pumpkin pie in celebration of the defeat of the HEMP. And then suddenly, they realized that the HEMP wasn’t all that bad. Yes it had caused some destruction of city property, and yes it had caused people to run around screaming and laughing and doing foolish things, but there had also been a wonderful byproduct of the HEMP…this delicious and wonderful pumpkin pie that they were now enjoying, and the fantabulous baked seeds that they were crunching.

Gradually the crowd turned their wonder into song – “LONG LIVE THE HEMP, LONG LIVE THE HEMP!!”

And so even today, on this special dark helladay, as we remember the sacrifices made by the people during the Great Halloween Massacre, we are reminded that the HEMP really wasn’t all that bad.

Happy Halloween everyone, and enjoy that pumpkin pie .

Boo!