I felt like a Podling today, or perhaps Kira the Gelfling. I stared into the eyes of the nurse (instead of into the reflection from the Dark Crystal) and felt my vital essence draining out of my body.

Thankfully it wasn’t being drained so some evil Skeksis could drink it, but it was being drained for more mundane matters of testing blood sugar and lipids. Today I began my path to greatness, er, healthness.

We have a program that allows you to get a free wellness check, blood work, and then meetings with health coaches to allow you to get back on the right path for your own personal health initiatives. And what better time to do it than at the beginning of the year. While most people make their 1-month New Year’s Resolutions to get back to the gym, I’m doing something more productive. I’m giving up the vital fluids in my body for the cause.

I actually had to take a Xanax before I could do it this morning. I am beyond terrified, nay mortified of needles, and even more so of having blood removed from my body. I do realize, having formerly been a biology major, that my body will simply make more (or just release from spleen storage), but it doesn’t matter. It freaks me out in a way that can only be matched by hanging, nay, dangling 50 feet in the air on a ski lift.

I also have a problem with having my blood pressure and pulse taken. I find it completely unnecessary for them to squeeze my arm until it turns blue just to see how fast my heart is beating – surely they are cutting off the blood supply to my arm and it’s going to fall off. Then they push down on my wrist to feel my pulse. I’m positive that at any moment my arm will be dead and have to be amputated.

Sometimes David teases me by touching me on my inner wrist. It’s one of the easiest ways to send me into a panic. Likewise I can’t stand things that are tight around my neck – with only one exception being a winter scarf. Anything else sends my blood pressure up (which just makes the situation worse), and causes me to flush and get flop sweat. Yes, men can get flop sweat too.

So today I braved the 30 seconds that seemed like 15 minutes of sitting in a sterile chair in the nurse’s office and having vials of blood removed. I don’t even know how much they took because I refused to watch. All the deep breathing in the world couldn’t help me as I writhed at the stinging sensation of the needle draining away my life force.

And then I went back to my cube.

At least if I had been a Podling or a Gelfling I could have gone on to work in a majestic place like the Dark Crystal. Instead…grey cube walls, grey desktop, and blue and grey carpeting. I think I got the short end of the stick.