American Idol 2008 – Auditions

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The auditions process has begun, and we’ve been given another year of the good and the absolutely ridiculous. Here’s the rundown on the ’round-the-country auditions process. I will try to keep my comments brief and to the point during auditions – expect more detail once we get into the Top 24.

Audition Weeks:

• 15-16 January (Premier Week – Philadelphia & Dallas)
• 22-23 January (San Diego & Charleston, SC)
• 29-30 January (Omaha & Miami)
• 5-6 February (Atlanta & Audition Wrap-Up)

15-16 January – Premier Week

Philadelphia, city of brotherly love or city of tragedy? Did anyone notice that in the opening sequence you saw Taylor Hicks on the screen for about 1 second? Coincidence that he was just dropped from the company within the last month…who can say?

• Is this American Idol or Immigrant Idol? I really don’t think these people are from the states, or maybe they are from a state I’ve never heard of before. North Delusion? New Delusion? Delusidelphia? (and what’s with Randy’s new beard thing he’s got goin’ on dawg? and what’s up with Simon’s torn shirt?)
• Go Down Moses is never a good song choice, especially if your mouth is retarded. “Sybill…shut up!” If you are 16 years old and look 40 and your name is Temptress…well just, wow.
• Glitter is never a good look – but Alexis is a really good artist (painting/drawing), and an absolute freak, however, we liked her voice. Note the difference in this picture from EW. Glitter vs. No Glitter. One got it, the other did not. Can you guess which?
• Regardless of whether you’re doing the show for you or your daughter who needs medical care, when you have a rock-on voice, you’re in. (This wasn’t enough to prevent a ratings slip though.)
• Apparently day 2 was for all the screamers and yellers and horrific dancers, oh, and Jewish social workers. Do people seriously think that wearing a costume will help them out? Duh. Or singing a song about stalking Paula Abdul? (or having your chest hair waxed, wtf)
• I was really hoping for another “other door” montage…but alas, not this episode I guess. At least we got to see a grandfather tell his granddaughter to watch her language on national television . 29 people made it through.

Now we’re on to Dallas,Texas where there are bigger freaks, bigger hairstyles, bigger people (how do 16 year olds get to be 300lbs??), bigger accents…but are there bigger talents? Not so much…

• 1st auditioner is a recovering meth addict and stay at home mom…how can you not put someone like that through? It would be un-American.
• Best quote of the night: “Simon goes down on just about everybody.” That made my evening and was worth all two hours of torture. He really meant Simon “comes down” on everybody…but this was much more fun.
• It’s never cool for your dad to wear a gold heart and you wear the key to so he can give it to your future wife. It’s also never cool to reveal to millions of viewers that you have never kissed a girl and never will until your wedding day. No girl will ever date you after that.
• Gorgeous Woman (and singer) award goes to Pia Zpia Easley.
• Being a good singer does NOT compensate for keeping your fingernail clippings in a ziplock bag for 7 years.
• Also, on the whole revealing interesting things to the viewing audience, if your dad tells you he hates you when you sing, maybe don’t sing.
• Holy cowboy Drew Poppelreiter (picture from EW). But does anyone else think he was just a wee bit TOO cowboy? I mean who really sticks a piece of hay in their mouth like that? Anyone remember Lane from two seasons ago? Now that was a cowboy. Drew wasn’t even excited to get a golden ticket – David thinks it’s because Drew doesn’t even realize what Hollywood is.
• If you tell the judges you’re going to sing a Celine Dion song, Power of Love, you should actually sing Power of Love. For someone who listens to Celine every day, at least get the title right.
• What was with all the cross dressing men? Do they seriously think they are going to get through to Hollywood? They will fit right in, yes, but c’mon.
• It’s eyeliner, not guyliner. Maybe gayliner, but not guyliner.
• And finally…as we learned in The Incredibles, superheroes should never wear capes. The “I am your brother” singalong and interpretive dance by Paula will be stuck in my head for days…days I tell you. Lyrics transcription provided by JMo:
• “I am you brother, your best friend forever. Singing the songs the music that you like. We are brothers till the end of time, together forever till the end of time. Together or not you’re always in my heart, you hurt your feelings in you will something whatever.”

22-23 January – SD and SC

San Diego – over 12,000 auditioners and I’m still obsessesed by the name Cecile Frot-Coutaz. For some reason every time I see her name in the opening credits I smile.

• We start off with American Idol Story Time, about a single father raising his son Avion after his wife died because she was in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong crowd doing the wrong thing. Perrie Cataldo and his son both wore pony tales, which I detest, but he made it through.
• Aussies (Michael Johns) are not only hot, but can apparently sing Otis Redding when competing in the AMERICAN version of the show.
• A string of crooning awfulness in octaves I’ve never heard was next…and when will people learn that if they make fun of the bad auditions, then they try out for the show and can’t sing, that we will now make fun of them…
• Important tip: do not bring a mime with you to do an interpretive dance of your audition song
• Interesting question: why do contestants continue to sing even after being told to stop? And has anyone noticed that security seems to be ushering a lot of folks out this year?
• Day 1 ends with a big old Simon love fest.
• Day 2 begins with a 10x auditioner (status of liberty from season 5) who still can’t sing but has a hot friend with him.
• Another string of no’s, basically a “No montage”
• Next up, the biggest fan. Literally. A massive green fan carried by a big gay man with big hair and a ballerina attached to the end of a stick. Alberto Hurtado, who sang a miserably sad song of his own creation.
• 16 year old boys named David Archuleta who have recovered from a paralyzed vocal chord will almost always get through to Hollywood, especially when Randy does backup vocals during your audition
• The last contestant of the day was Carly Smithson, a season 5 auditioner who was kicked out of Hollywood because her Visa didn’t come through in time because she’s not from America, she’s from Ireland. She is really good, has a hot husband who is covered in tats, but did I miss something in the opening credits? I thought this was AMERICAN Idol, not I’m here on a Visa Idol. I don’t know what to think.

Charleston, SC – over 10,000 auditioners from the friendliest city in America where apparently everyone likes to make “C” shapes with their hands.

• First, we meet Oliver whose wife has just gone into labour, so he rushes off with the AI crew to the hospital. Why does AI spend all that time and effort?
• Next up, the black Clay Aiken, Raysharde Henderson from Atlanta, who has a big dramatic fro and big disaster of a voice.
• Note: Just because you are from the same small town as a previous finalist, that does not mean you are any good.
• Also note: Just because you are well known on the American Idol forums does not mean you should actually audition for the show, or make out with your internet girlfriend next to a trash can.
• The Lampkin siblings, Jeffrey, and Michelle are an absolute riot. A little pitchy, but incredibly entertaining and I can’t wait to see them in Hollywood.
• 16 year old Amy Flynn, the dance team captain at the Catholic school, and a speaker for abstinance. Some good quotes from Simon on this one – “A lot of people are going to find you annoying.” and “I give it one week in LA.” – What can you expect though from a girl who says things like “what evs” and every other word is like, “like”. She made it through but I can’t wait for her to get kicked out.
• Day 1 ends with London Weidberg and her story about her dad who died of cancer. That always works for the judges.
• Day 2 begins with a C17 pilot for the Airforce, so of course AI takes a trip with her on the plane. Why not wait until she actually gets through to Hollywood (she didn’t) before spending the time and money?
• Aretha showed up next with all her chest. Wow. So much mint fabric to cover that. So pitchy as well…but she couldn’t be persuaded that she couldn’t sing.
• Note: boys should never…EVER…attempt to sing Jennifer Holiday. Ever. Those same boys should also never say on national television “My talent is too big for this competition to hold.” Nor should they refer to artists as “artises”. ‘Nuff said.
• I was thrilled that they used They Might Be Giants, “No”, for their “No” montage.
• We end SC with Oliver, the new dad, who warbled and goes home with his new baby instead of to Hollywood.

29-30 January – Omaha & Miami

Omaha, NE – over 10,000 auditioners and only 19 got the golden ticket. Let’s look at some highlights.

• We start with boy who is about to explode with happiness, and considers auditioning for American Idol to be a “life alternating change”. Not only did he bring gifts for the judges, but he performed acrobatics during his audition. He didn’t make it through, but Simon liked him so much he wants him to be the FOX station rep on the red carpet at the Idol finale. Not a bad gig. We’ll see if it actually happens.
• Jason Rich, the Iowa cowboy…wow. His nerves got to him in a bad way, but after trying to finish his song 3 times he finally got it. Not only is this guy hot as heck, but he’s got a pretty good voice as well. No wonder, since he’s got a CD released with his religious band.
• Paula finally arrived at this point and the show provided us with a “Forgotten Lyrics” montage. What a joy. Practice people!
• Next up, Rachael Wicker the arm wrestler. She’s through, but the best part was her wrestling Ryan and we got to see that he’s got quite a set of muscles on him.
• Goth Chick / Pro Wrestler “Lady Morgue” was up next. What a laugh she’s got on her, but Sarah Whitaker just didn’t cut it with her Disney song.
• We were treated to Ryan and Paula switching roles for one of the auditions, then thankfully they went back to what they do best…
• Next up – sad story about a girl and her dad who are estranged, she’s hoping Idol brings them back together. I don’t know if it will, but she’s through to Hollywood and he sounded moderately barely excited when Ryan called to tell him the news.
• A Rocker montage in honour of Chris Daughtery, then we’re on to Johnny who wears a gold glitter jacket. He’s not at all like James Brown even though he thinks so. The best part of his audition was Paula having the hiccups (really loud ones).
• Last up for Omaha was Leo Marlowe. I REALLY like this guy. There’s just something innocent and genuine about him, really good voice, cute, and funny. I hope he gets to the finals for some reason.

Miami, FL – 17 golden tickets and a whole lot of boring.

• First we start with the Miami Vice theme as the intro plays through, then we jump into some Gloria Estefan and the Rhythm that’s going to get us. Paula also shows up in a slutty dress (according to Simon).
• Meat Market girl Shannon McGough is up first, and apparently she not only has the world’s loudest belch, but she’s tone deaf. She was shocked. No one has ever told her that she can’t sing.
• Robbie the rocker with long hair and a skullcap was up next and was through.
• We’re given another badness montage before we meet the Venezuela Idol. Personally, I’d like to see citizenship papers for all auditioners to AMERICAN Idol. Simon summed it up – “I would like you if I was drunk”, but of course he got through.
• Next up, Corliss Smith and Brittany Wescott, two big beautiful girls who are in love with Ryan, and Randy, and Simon. They each sang their songs to their respective judge boys and both are through with big powerful voices.
• Suzanne Toon the single mom who hasn’t sung in 3 years apparently became “sexier when she started singing”…she’s through of course.
• Ramiele Malubay wrapped up day 1 with a big voice in a little package. She’s also hoping to the be the first Asian American Idol.
• Day two starts with Syesha Mercado, whose father joined her now that he’s out of rehab. He’s proud, she’s proud, we’re all proud because she’s got a huge Aretha Franklin voice and is through.
• Another yes montage, followed by another no montage, and then we’re treated to America Juniors finalist Julie Dubela, who can’t sing worth a whip. She was WAY over the top with drama, and was just astounded that she didn’t get through to be on TV again. Just because you can sing when you are 12…remember, we’re much more forgiving to 12 year olds.
• The final audition was Brandon Black, who was all dressed in white. He gave them an entire talent competition – dancing, attempted singing, comedy, and he even wrote a song called “I am the next American Idol”. Simon and Randy actually walked out of the audition. Horrific.

5-6 February – Atlanta & Wrap-Up

Atlanta, a city in the south. That’s it.

• We start out with “The Devil Went Down to Georgia”, because when you’re in Atlanta, I guess that’s the song you have to play. After that, we’re treated to Ryan’s parents having a 5 second visit with him…awkward.
• First up, Joshua Jones the glass worker who did such weird things with his eyes that they made him turn around and do his audition facing away from them. He’s through – but only because he taped four leaf clovers to the underside of his number tag.
• Next up – a person Simon chided with “my pen has got more charisma”, and it did.
• We’re then treated to a Paula can’t say no montage, and the only good part was they used “Can’t Say No” from Oklahoma. Loved it.
• Tragedy then hit us – a girl whose dad died TWO DAYS before the audition. She kicked some vocal *ss though and is through. Way to go, and very courageous.
• God’s little girl then made an appearance – Brooke Helvie who prayed before she performed, and couldn’t thank God enough. She’s also Miss South Florida Fair and she “just said do do American Idol” and though it was funny. Simon called her possibly “the most annoying person I’ve ever met in my entire life”. Yeah, well.
• Eva Miller showed up next, with personality, moves, energy, voice, well, not the voice. And then she fell flat on her *ss when she slipped on her number tag that had fallen off. She swore up and down that it wasn’t staged…not sure anyone believed her.
• Why is it that contestants who don’t make it say things like “I just don’t know what I’m gonna do now”. As if their life has come to an end…pathetic.
• 9th grade repeater Nathan Hite showed up with his low self esteem to try to talk back to Simon. Yeah, you’re not witty Nathan. Grow up.
• Goth chick Amanda Overmyer who rides a motorcycle when she’s not being a nurse was AWESOME. I loved her look, her voice, and her attitude, and so did the judges.
• Finally, Josiah Leming who lives in his car. He travels around wherever he wants to go and plays gigs, while living in his car. We got a tour of the car, pillows, dirty and clean clothes and all. He sang with a British accent because of the music he listens to, sang us a song he’d written, and the judges loved him. So did we. Really impressive, tragic, cute, all that. I hope he makes it to the finals.

Audition Wrap-Up – We’ve come to the end of the auditions America, and we’re off to Hollywood next week. This show was a wrap-up of the process, with a few faces we haven’t seen before and a few from the past.

• First we start with a guy wearing the biggest t-shirt in the world (he bought it at Atlanta Tent and Awning), and a desert hat with flaps. No-go.
• Next up, a girl who only auditioned because the “Holy Spirit told her to”. Um…regardless of who tells you to audition, you should not choose Hallelujah as your audition song, nor should you SCREAM it. When another contestant tells you to “shoosh”, that’s also an indication that it’s time to go home.
• Triad relationship was up next – twins Chris and Cory Lane, and the girlfriend Ashley Lawing. First, the twins decided to beat box and didn’t even SING. And one of the forgot the words to their rap! Basically we got “a’ight here we go” over and over again as a tribute to the Britnam twins. Idiots. Their girlfriend came in next with her little pemeranian puppy, and told Simon that “as long as you put me through to Hollywood you can have whatever you want.” Well honey, Simon can indeed have (buy) whatever he wants, but you can NOT sing.
• Cardin Lee McKinney was up next, the all-in-red fondue waitress. She’s through but we’re not sure how long she’ll last.
• Plus size model JoAnne Borgella showed up next to show us that big girls who sing the National Anthem in MSG usually have big voices.
• Odd audition next – Alesha Stelzl who had such a wavering voice that Randy and Paula thought she sounded exactly like Dolly Parton. So…they sent her out to learn a DP song and come back. She did, and she sang Island in the Stream. And indeed, she sort of sounded like DP, and she’s through.
• J. Smoove in all his glittery glasses, jacket, etc. dumped a pile of glitter and rose petals onto the floor during his performance. The best part of this was watching Simon sweep it up.
• A montage of Simon mispronouncing names had me in stitches, and it ended with an introduction to Cickeasy Easy (my spelling). He sounded great doing Luther Vandross.
• Danny Noriega wrapped up the show with Proud Mary, and the judges absolutely loved it…
• 164 people are off to –>Hollywood<–, and we’ll see just how intense it becomes next week!