Is it appropriate for me to talk about having a bowel movement that happened so quickly that it created a vacuum in my intestinal tract?

What if I mention the yellow pus that squirted out from my second toe because of an ingrown toenail?

Is there a boundary of appropriate content for ones personal blog? Perhaps…perhaps not. These are conversations that I am able to have with my partner and close friends…one topic is normal biological function, one is only gross in that the pus is a nasty yellow colour - but again a normal bodily function to heal an infection.

And admit it - that first one either made you gasp or burst out laughing…and gasping increases oxygen flow and laughing is heart healthy, so that makes this blog medically sound.

But seriously…I CAN talk about whatever I want, but SHOULD I. Do you really want to hear about bodily functions/infections? The answer is likely, no.

About a year ago I wrote a post called You Can’t Do That On Blogs.  In that post I talked about slander, copyright, libel, and using unreferenced images or those not in the public domain.

But even with those “restrictions”, you can still pretty much blog about any topic that you want. You can talk about technology, fashion, business, pets, religion, hobbies, politics, movies, moral issues, whatever - because it’s your personal public blog - and a lot of what you talk about is covered under your Freedom of Speech.

So while I have the freedom to do it, again, it might not be in my best interest to do so. I might lose readers that I so cherish because they don’t want to hear about the latest secretion from my toe. On the flip side, I might gain readers who like to hear about medical oddities. Do I want both kinds of readers, sure, but which do I want more?

One has to be careful not to alienate people who actively help carry on the conversation, because that’s really what blogs are about - creating conversation, sharing ideas, adding value to readers. And I, like all writers, often have trouble coming up with a topic to write about. There are many times when I vacillate on whether I want to keep blogging, and then a new topic pops into my mind during a conversation and voila, you get another post.

As long as you all keep coming back and keep commenting, I’ll keep coming up with volumes of wit and sarcasm to keep you entertained.

And no more posts about BM’s or pus. I promise. For now.

Some days ago, I was embroiled in an interesting conversation with a coworker about the stress and life-sucking that goes on because of work and life distractions. I was also noticing the volume of grey hair I’m developing above my ears. It might have been that which concerned me more than the other stuff, but regardless, it prompted a question, which I’ll get to in a moment.

In the last six months I have gone from having 3-5 grey hairs above my ears to over 20. Ok, maybe 30.

Six months! Granted, there have been some very stressful situations at work, but come on. I’m really not that old, and yet there they are…and they aren’t from age, they are 100% confirmed, from stress. I’ve had them tested. But that’s not the point. The point is, the thought that occurred was, could I sue for damages because my life has been sucked away from me not unlike the Pit of Despair scene in The Princess Bride? And if I could, how much is a year of life worth?

What is the value of one year of your life?

It’s got to be more than your annual salary, because that’s just an artificial valuation of your contributions (hopefully) based on measurements, statistics, averages, and other nonsensical stuff. Even if you determined an hourly rate of your life and multiplied it by the number of hours in a typical year (1 year = 8765.81277 hours) would that still really give you the true value of you living for a year?

How would you value the influence you have on others, or the changes you make that might cause something to happen a year from now that would never have happened had you not done the original thing? And realistically, COULD you even put a value on all the possible outcomes? Unlikely. So really what it comes down to is what would a jury of your peers award you for damages.

That’s where the numbers become fun. You can get billions of dollars from tobacco companies because you failed to heed the warnings about smoking (or the nasty smell that your friends constantly complained about). You can get millions upon millions in wrongful death lawsuits. So let’s say an entire life lost is worth, let’s find a recent one in the news, $25 million (that’s the supposed estimate for John Ritter).

If you average 85 years, that works out to about $294,117.65 a year. I think we know there are a heck of a lot of people who make more than that in their annual salary. Should those people be valued more than a famous actor who made us laugh and smile for so many years? Should those of us with significantly lower salaries or job glamour be devalued? Is there something like an adjustable rate mortgage on a year of your life than can wax and wane based on your annual accomplishments? If you influenced more people this year, are you worth more?

It’s completely philosophical I suppose, and I’m not really interested in finding THE answer…but I am interested in what YOU think the value of one year of your life is, and why.

Memorial Day.

For me, Memorial Day is the ultimate in celebrations. I can picture it now. What it might look like, who might attend, what I would be wearing, how fabulous my hair would look, people being overheard saying “Love your hair, hope you win!”.

For me, it’s never too soon to plan the Memorial Day festivities.

First let’s talk about the food. Hot cider or wine punch, fresh seafood salads, maybe some rock shrimp or rock lobster WOO!, finger sandwiches, hand sandwiches, a SUBWAY party sub, exotic barbecued things, spectacular ethnic dishes served with hot sauce. The essence of every celebration is having the ultimate spread. Without a massive buffet, people get bored and leave. Because really, when there is nothing more to talk about, people either get married, or eat. This is why the USA is the fattest nation in the world.

No, that’s not PHAT, though some of us are definitely Pretty Hot And Tempting. It’s FAT - Americans eat all the time! You can’t walk any direction from my house without running into 4 Chinese, 2 Sushi, 4 American, 2 Mexican, or 8 Cafe restaurants, all within a 5 mile radius. Apparently we’ve nothing left to discuss, so we all retreat to the buffet line and fill our mouths with food so that in the event we DO think of something to talk about, our mouths are too full of soft chimichangas to bother. Anyway.

So now the food is planned. Next comes the entertainment. For me, any celebration worth its sea-salt (see what I did there? If you are still using regular salt, you can’t come to my Memorial Day) must have PHAT entertainment. At a minimum, a dance floor must be provided. And if you have a dance floor, you must have music. I prefer a professional DJ to mix it up for the event. Using a pro allows the guests to concentrate on dancing, instead of running to the CD changer every 4 minutes and 52 seconds (based on average track length of 100 statistically analyzed Top 50 cd’s).

Another reason to have a DJ is to allow guests to request songs, and feel like they are part of the process. Granted, most people request songs like Mamma Mia, or Here Comes the Rain Again, which are virtually impossible to dance to based on today’s standards, but atleast they feel like they are part of something larger than themselves.

Next on the list, is quite possibly the most important item to plan for. The Rent-A-Guest (TM). As with any celebration, there are going to be a lot of attendees that you may have never seen before. In these situations, it is sometimes necessary to salt the audience (if they are slugs) with Rent-A-Guest(TM) personnel known as “Instigators”.

These “Instigators” are responsible for getting the party started right, and getting the party started quickly, right?. They mingle with strangers, treating them like long-lost friends, and encourage people to get out on the dance floor to get their boogie on. Without the R-A-G(TM) you run the risk of a celebration that never moves more than 2 feet away from the buffet table, and ends at 7pm.

Now that we’ve planned the food, entertainment, and instigation, it’s time to concentrate on decor. We don’t want something too over the top, unless it’s Mardi Gras, which is an entirely different M Day. We also don’t want something too sombre that makes people feel sleepy. I find that a nice mix of floral arrangements, streamers, balloons, banners, and ice sculptures, makes a simple yet elegant atmosphere. The balloons give any child in attendance something to pop. The ice sculptures double as a conversation piece, and a punch cooler. Streamers and banners are great to fill any empty wall or ceiling space. And flowers and plants can be used to accent any area that needs a little colour.

Of course any time you have decoration, it is always important to have good lighting. Overhead or fluorescents are always a no-no. I prefer to use strategically positioned halogen spot lighting to enhance specific areas of the room, art on a wall, or maybe even an ice sculpture to give the appearance of glow. This also allows the resident Diva’s to bask in their own personal spotlight, if so inclined.

So now I’m almost done planning. I have the food, the entertainment, the instigators, the decorations, and the lighting. But for me, what it really all boils down to when planning my perfect Memorial Day is the colour of the felt in my coffin. I’m thinking hot magenta…

Everyone who reads this needs to rush out and buy a 5lb. bag

And as it says right there on the wrapper - they are indeed, delicious caramel. They start out hard in the wrapper, but as soon as they encounter the warmth of a salivating mouth, they acquiesce into creamy goodness. These might actually be the best candy of ever.

Consider it me doing my part to encourage childhood obesity.

Cheers!

I took a few days off last week because I wanted to work on the book. For the first couple of days, all was well, until Saturday when I woke up feeling nauseous, light headed, and woozy. That’s a technical term.

I slept most of the afternoon, after barely finishing a delicious breakfast that David made, and by evening I was feeling a tiny bit better.

Sunday, however, the congestion packed itself in, and my nose plugged up, I started coughing constantly, fever, cold chills, hot sweats, I was going through my 4th or 5th menopause I think.

Anyway - Monday. I still feel like crap, I got about 4 hours of sleep once I finally found some old nasal spray and gave myself the chance to breathe again…I’m worn out and feel like patoopie. Another technical term.

Anyway - that’s why I’ve been hiding for a few days. Thanks to all zero of you who missed me :-).

I was taking the Facebook My Personality application test, and here were the results:

You think you have avoidant personality disorder

You have an extreme fear of the potential negative opinions of other people and that leads you to avoid social situations altogether. You feel inferior to other people and expect them to reject you. The worst thing that could possibly happen is being embarrassed in front of all of your friends.

I like the way they phrased that…. “I think” I have a PPD. I don’t really think that, it’s just what the application determined based on my answers.

And anyway, I KNOW what kind of personality disorder I have…

* Image attributed to user WriterHound via Wikimedia Commons

Today’s ponderous point from Heath - Do pets have friends? Do they build relationships like people do? Are they better than humans?

I consider my pets to be my children, and I tend to treat them as such. They offer unlimited and unconditional love; they have strong and rich emotions (did you know that the emotional center of cats is very similar to that of humans?); they are never dishonest; they require very little to be insanely happy.

Is it wrong that I prefer them to humans? I think if given the choice, I would take a pet over a human friend. Is that wrong? I think not. I have never found a human that offers unlimited and unconditional love, has strong and rich emotions, is never dishonest, and requires little to be insanely happy.

Some people have some of those things, some people have many, a lot have very few. I don’t think this makes me stuck up at all, but if given the choice, I know who I would want to spend the day with.

So what do you think…do pets have friends? Are they better than people?