By popular demand, I present to you again, the true story of Halloween.
Is everyone feeling hella good??? I know that when this special dark day of the year rolls around (
not to be confused with Hershey’s Special Dark Chocolates), I’m feeling
hella great! Or for those of you with small children reading this, you are permitted to feel
hecka great, although hecka great doesn’t even come close to feeling hella great.What a joyous and fun day to celebrate the exhumation of spirits and ghouls and ghosts and zombies that creep out from every tomb and are closing in to seal your doom (
snaps to MJ).
Hellaween is my second favourite helladay just after Xmas. Third on the list is Turkey Day, and then after that, there are no other helladays that float my boat. Hellaween and Xmas are the only two major helladays in our culture that require massive amounts of decorations, themed parties, and costuming. Houses are decorated with strands of orange lights and pumpkins for
Hellaween, and are decorated with strands of white and multicoloured lights and trees for Xmas.
Hellaween brings us carved pumpkins, while Xmas brings us carved turkeys and hams. For the dark helladay we dress up in costumes that could be scary, funny, wild, or crazy, and for the bright helladay, we dress up in festive reds and whites indicative of the leader of Xmas, Santa Clause. Hellaween, however, doesn’t really have the same type of official mascot as Xmas. In fact, when we look across the gamut of helladays, can you think of any other that has that official figurehead? Personally I think it’s about time for an officially designated leader of Hellaween.
Those of you who are huge fans of The Nightmare Before Xmas, may begin the lobby for Jack Skellington, that hollow-headed, insane creature who has a fascination for women with stitches all over their bodies. Others of you might feel that because this is the dark helladay, we need a more loathsome, e-ville (as in frew-its of the de-ville) type of creature like Satan, the Devil, Lucifer, Beelzebub, the Fallen One, or some other derivative of the former angel of music (if you didn’t get this, please refer to the Music Makes a People Come Together Editorial).
But this can’t be a happy story…we are talking about the dark helladay you know…so let us reflect on that most memorable day in our history…The Great Hellaween Massacre…
Enter my Hellavision. A massively evil orange pumpkin man, basically the size of the Stay Puft Marshmallow man from that classic Hellaween movie, Ghostbusters. What other figure could simultaneously cause explosions of laughter and screams of terror from children everywhere, as the Hellaween Evil Man-Pumpkin (HEMP) comes crashing through their neighbourhoods, stealing candy, decorations, and any child dressed up as a pumpkin.
Panic would ensue on Hellaween, as children everywhere begin to see a massive pumpkin moving toward their city. Not knowing what was happening, who this was, where it came from, and why it was so orange and as big as the sun. The screaming would start, as trick-or-treat’ers would begin the mad dash home, as the HEMP begins taking over the terrified population, summoning ghosts and ghouls from the depths of every mortuary in town.
Eerie bats, who make that WEEE WEEE WEEE sound would fly out from caverns deep in the mountains…vampire bats, swooping down on unsuspecting children, picking them up and carrying them into the lair of the evil HEMP. There he would munch and crunch (good crunchings and munchings, snaps to DB).
Screams would come from all corners of the globe as children raced to change their costumes into something other than pumpkins so that the HEMP would pass them over. Parents would quickly smash all of their carved pumpkins into the street, not only in protest and defiance, but so the HEMP wouldn’t see how they had desecrated his next of kin. Orange lights on houses would quickly be replaced with black, so the HEMP couldn’t see the scared children hiding behind the fake tombstones and witch statues.
HEMP would smash buildings, rip out trees, break darns causing huge floods, throw cars around like little toys, express copious amounts of cloudy gas from his pumpkin butt, and generally irritate anyone in the vicinity. After an unnecessary number of hours, the government would declare a state of emergency. The HEMP must be stopped! We must send in the armed guards dressed in orange camo! We must send in hellacopters and tanks! We must smite the HEMP and protect our children from the dark helladay! But the HEMP would be too powerful against the tiny army that was left after the rest of them had already been sent across the world to smite a secondary evil, and so the people of the country would unite against HEMP on their own. (there would be a special referendum that they would vote on, to abolish the HEMP)
“DOWN WITH THE HEMP, DOWN WITH THE HEMP” they would shout, as parents and children would arm themselves with the pitchforks that were stuck in haystacks in their front yard decorations, and carving knives from the pumpkin carving set, and torches burning bright to illuminate the city in the unnatural darkness of Hellaween. HEMP would crash into the center of the town, surrounded by an angry mob, blasting his cloudy gas and grabbing children who hadn’t had time to change costumes and sending them flying into his gaping, toothy mouth.
The angry crowd would begin chanting, “BURN THE HEMP, BURN THE HEMP, SMOKE HIM OUT!!!”. Flames would erupt around the HEMP, as he tried to jump up a building and get away from the flames, but the force of the parents and children in costumes would overpower him, burning his tender orange flesh. Dark black smoke would fill the air on Hellaween, blocking out the last rays of the smoldering sun, sending children and parents dashing through the darkness with costumes and capes blowing behind, as the HEMP comes crashing down into a blaze of glory. A Hellaween bonfire if you will.
The HEMP gets hotter and hotter, he starts to expand, and bulge, then suddenly explodes, sending bits of pumpkin and freshly baked seeds flying across all corners of the earth, smacking children in the face blowing them miles away with the force of the seeds. Ghosts and ghouls flying in every direction with faces full of cooked pumpkin. Showers of orange splattering houses and buildings, trees and mountains, filling the lakes and rivers with an orange soupy gunk.
At last the explosions stop. The angry and scared people stand dumbstruck at the carnage around them. People drip with pumpkin, wandering about looking for loved ones, on this the Great Hellaween Massacre. But as the rebuilding process begins, and as parents find their children, still in costume, but scattered far and wide, they realize that the day has been saved, and joyous cheering erupts from every mouth (along with seeds and pumpkin rind).
“HURRAY, HURRAH, the HEMP IS GONE!!!!!”
The government, satisfied that the HEMP has been abolished, goes back into hibernation. While the people gather round, bringing bags of brown sugar, salt, baking soda, and nutmeg, and enjoy freshly baked pumpkin pie to celebrate the defeat of the HEMP. Then suddenly, they realized that the HEMP wasn’t really all that bad. Yes it had caused some destruction of city property, and yes it had caused people to run around screaming and laughing and doing foolish things, but there had also been a wonderful byproduct of the HEMP…this delicious and wonderful pumpkin pie that they were now enjoying, and the fantabulous baked seeds that they were crunching.
Suddenly the crowd began to sing, “LONG LIVE THE HEMP, LONG LIVE THE HEMP!!”
And so even today, on this special dark helladay, as we remember the sacrifices made by the people during the Great Hellaween Massacre, we are reminded that the HEMP really wasn’t all that bad.
Happy Hellaween everyone, and enjoy that pumpkin pie :-).
Boo!
![[digital heath]](http://www.digitalheath.com/imaging/component_dh.jpg)
Show your support for our troops with this GLBT themed shirt.
What’s better than a “Yeah, Right” mug for those early mornings of bitter coffee? Go ahead…sit at the kitchen table with your house pants / night gown on and just stare out the front window with your cigarette in one hand and this delicious coffee mug in the other. Share your bitterness with the world.
Everyone does it…
You have one. Everyone knows it. That’s why they don’t talk to you, because they know you’re going to blog about it as soon as you have connectivity.
Halloween is year-round fun.
For all you gossip girls out there - just make sure you stop talking when they get close.
Let’s just admit it…because the rest of the world already knows.
