I realize that he’s just doing it to prove a point, but I really do like some of the quotes from the story:

The senator also wants the court to issue a permanent injunction prohibiting God from issuing plagues and terrorist threats. It’s unclear how this could work since God is usually understood to be all powerful.

Chambers does admit that God is omnipresent and omniscient, however. Since God is everywhere, the Nebraska court has jurisdiction, Chambers argues, and since God is all-knowing, Chambers need not serve him with a notice of the lawsuit.

Brilliant. I hope he wins. Or maybe he just needs some Jesus bandages to take away the pain.

You might recall I wrote about suing god (and suing someone for praying for your soul, or praying for your death) recently.

A few weeks ago I posed a question on whether you could sue someone if they prayed for your soul. (check that post out first then come back and visit here)

Yesterday, the latest copy of Freethought Today arrived, and I discovered an interesting “Theocracy Alert” that I wanted to share.

Pastor Calls for Death Prayers

A pastor [Rev. Wiley S. Drake] who endorsed former Gov. Mike Huckabee for president via church stationery and an Internet radio program is calling on followers to pray for the deaths of those who filed a complaint against him with the IRS.

…

Examples of imprecatory prayer suggested by Drake:

“Persecute them…Let them be put to shame and perish…Let his children be fatherless, and his wife a widow.”

So now what do you think? If someone is praying for your death vs. just a little soul enlightenment, could you at least get a restraining order against them?

First, let’s make some wild and crazy assumptions for the purpose of this post:

1. Everyone has something called a “soul”

2. It’s a tangible thing that can be prayed for, stolen, and sold.

3. There is no such thing as separation of Church and State in America (you don’t really have to assume this, it’s nearly fact).

Second, let’s have a definition. What does The Book have to say about a soul:

Pronunciation: ’sOl
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English soule, from Old English sAwol;
1 : the immaterial essence, animating principle, or actuating cause of an individual life
2 : the spiritual principle embodied in human beings, all rational and spiritual beings, or the universe

So now to the root of my concern. Could you sue someone who prays for your soul without your permission? Why am I asking this question? Because several years ago I was the recipient of religious based harassment at work, and the offending party and their spouse took it upon themselves to “engage” the holy spirit on my behalf. Specifically they said:

“Holy Spirit we pray for God to transform this lost soul”

Capitalization is their’s, not mine. After they called upon this alleged holy spirit, they consulted their own book to find interesting quotes to help me out. Here are some that they came up with.

When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom - Proverbs 11:1-3

The fear of the LORD teaches a man wisdom, and humility comes before honor - Proverbs 15:32-34

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves - Philippians 2:2-4

To slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and to show true humility toward all men - Titus 3:1-3

Young men, in the same way be submissive to those who are older. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” - 1 Peter 5:4-6

Interesting words indeed (and is it just me or isn’t that just SO old testament (except for one)), and I’m sure they live their lives in full deference to what their god wants and expects them to do. But back to my question.

So they have taken it upon themselves (with a little help from above) to pray for my “lost soul”, and even further, to ask their god to actually “transform” my soul. I’m sorry, but I think that’s crossing the line. It’s one insulting thing to pray for a soul that isn’t your own, but to try to transform it is bordering on assault. Keep your hands off my soul, I say. How would you like me to come into your body and change some things around?

What’s that, a spleen? I don’t think you need that any more, let’s transform that into a bird bath. Is that a heart? Oh please, it would look so much better transformed into a box of Altoids. Who wouldn’t want to be curiously minty on the inside?

But can I sue?

Can I take them to court and charge them with assault on my soul? Our Christian country would never argue that there’s no such thing as a soul, which means that if it’s my property, something that is unique to me, then if they try to manhandle it then I have a right to protect it. Obviously, I don’t want to assault them in return (but could I claim self-defense?), so what choice do I have but to join our litigious based society and sue them, and the holy spirit, and god?

If I lived in Romania, for example, I couldn’t because according to the court - “…the defendant is neither an individual nor a company, and is not subject to a civil court of law’s jurisdiction“. There was also another minor problem because - “God doesn’t have a residence where the Prosecutor’s Office can send a subpoena“.

This presents a few issues - with that whole trinity thing I’d have to name all three components in my lawsuit, and nowhere in their prayers did they mention that Jesus was helping out (although I might be able to take the corporate path since apparently, he’s incorporated now). And if the prosecutor can’t find a P.O.Box for LOG, then would I have to try him in absentia?

I did find an interesting comment to a post about the Romanian case: “Imagine how many people would start believing in God if you were able to sue him.” I’d take that a step farther to say, imagine how many people would join the class-action lawsuit against god for all their woes?

As I can find no legal basis (or restriction for that matter) for a lawsuit and assault charge against someone who prays for the transformation of my soul, I put it to you, the blog reading public…what do you think?

(and I’m secretly hoping that pharyngula will weigh in here)

Need your religious fix for the week? Have you been craving an anatomically correct chocolate savior to celebrate the holidays? You need look no further than Jesus of the Week.

Using the handy “Select-A-Jesus” drop down menu, you too can access photographic proof that Jesus is everywhere.

Not only is he hanging in effigy (though slowly melting in the summer heat), but he also shows up on your pimped out wheels, in your box of Post-It Notes, even floating around in space with his nose incredibly close to the atmosphere.

Who knew that he could be in so many random places at any one time?

There’s something for everyone, even the muscle-boys out there who are spending 24 hours a day at the gym trying to look like Ripped Jesus. Guys, you have to go to the Lord’s Gym - 24-hour fitness won’t cut it.

Thanks to Eddie Izzard, we’ve all heard of Woodhenge and Strawhenge, the predecessors to Stonehenge (one of the biggest henges in the world).

But apparently, it’s no longer the only henge we’ve got.

That’s right folks - it’s a porta-potty henge.

Here’s the link to the article.

In the spirit of multiculturalism and diversity, I have chosen to dedicate this special blog to the Christian holiday, Easter*. What is Easter? Where did it come from? Is it a religious holiday or a celebration of all things small, furry, and blue/white with big floppy ears?

As a child I remember trying to stay up as late as I could the day before Easter (Easter Eve), so I could catch a glimpse of the Easter Bunny (or wasn’t it supposed to be a resurrected savior? - never fear, they’ve now combined the two). Finally when my eyelids would no longer stay open, usually about 8pm, I fell asleep. After arising the next day (also usually 8pm), I would race to my bedroom door to see what Jesus had left for me. Who knew that Jesus could turn a loaf of bread into a basket of multi-coloured eggs.

I think that’s why I’m gay. No, not because the lord our god (L.O.G.) performed a miracle with the chicken and the egg, but because the rainbow flag was bestowed on me at such an early age. The eggs were red and yellow and green and brown and scarlet and black and ocre and peach, ruby and olive and violet and fawn, cream and silver and purple and gold, russet and white and pink and orange and BLUE!

Ok, so I didn’t really have THAT many eggs, but those were the colours on Joseph’s Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat and they sure were pretty…anyway…..eggs. The basket was full of them. But not just ordinary eggs. These eggs were plastic! I wasn’t sure what you did to an egg to make it plastic, but I’m sure it involved a lot of boiling. Needless to say, I wasn’t very careful with them because I knew there was no yolk to spill. What I didn’t realize though, is that instead of yolk, Jesus had put money and candy inside these eggs! The money was obviously meant for me to put in the offering plate at church, but the candy was all mine!
Jelly beans of every colour imagineable, jujube’s, candy corn (I thought these were only for Hellaween!), marshmallow duckies with sugar on top, raindrops on roses and noses on kittens, bright yellow packages tied up with string, these are a few of my fav…whoops! got a little carried away there.

Eggs. Candy in the eggs. So of course I had to eat all the candy in the 2 hours before church. By the time we got to god’s house, and what a fine pad he had with a loft and track lighting and candles from Pier 1….anyway…I had a tummy ache. Let’s all thank L.O.G. for these gifts which give us gas.

We sang some songs about a tomb, and a rock, well, a boulder really, a monolith in fact, Ayers rock if you will….and then something about rising from the dead, but I didn’t see what that had to do with candy so I didn’t sing along. Finally church was over and it was time for the Easter Brunch. I don’t know why they call it Easter Brunch, because by the time we got there, it was well after noon, which practically makes it Easter Dinner, or maybe Linner, or Dunch.

To further confuse the issue, we had exactly the same food as we’d had for Thanksgiving Brunch/Dinner. Apparently the holidays are related, though I don’t know why anyone would give thanks for dying on the same day every single year and being put in a cold rocky tomb, but who am I to judge another lifestyle?

So Easter Ludinner ended, and my tummy was even more sore because now the jelly beans were combining with the baked beans, and the juxtaposition of the two in my stomach was creating a very unpleasant ride home. Somehow I managed to survive the 2 mile trip from cafeteria to bedroom, where I lay on top of the covers moaning in pain. All the while thanking L.O.G. for the blessings bestowed on me this day.

After a few hours, I finally started feeling better and decided to revisit the Easter basket to see if I had overlooked anything. Anyone who has seen an Easter Basket knows how easily things can get lost in the green plastic grass strips.

I dumped the cash out and stuffed it in my piggy bank, and started digging through the Astroturf. Low and behold, and ye verily, the mother lode appeared!

Apparently Jesus appreciated me going to church to celebrate his death, because what to my wondering eyes should appear (no not a sleigh with eight tiny reindeer, honestly we should just consolidate all these holidays into one big HOLIDAY, Celebrate! If we took a holiday, took some time to celebrate, just one day out of life, HOLIDAY!)

The Cadbury Creme Egg. The epitome of egg. The crème de la crème of egg. The Alpha and the Omega of egg. The great I AM egg.

I held the egg gently in my fingers, careful not to warm it too much so that the chocolate would melt in the wrapper. Slowly, I peeled back the foil which held it so tight, revealing the true meaning of Easter. Liquid sugar, encased in chocolate.

Forget about all this death and dying nonsense. this was my reason for living. My salvation, my rock. This precious gift from above was to be savored, worshiped, praised. And so like a good boy, I praised it like I should.

In one gigantic bite, I split the egg apart, showering my taste buds with the rich and creamy goodness, that could only come from such a precious gift. I let the liquid sugar and chocolate melt across my tongue, washing away any leftover taste of brunchinner.

Softly, and slowly, I swallowed. Always wanting to remember this very special Cadbury Crème Egg, and to never forget the true meaning of the holiday.

Then I promptly ran to the bathroom, and showered the god who sits on the white porcelain throne with all that I had been bestowed.

* Easter, like Christmas, is a blend of paganism and Christianity. The word Easter is derived from Eostre (also known as Ostara), an ancient Anglo-Saxon Goddess. She symbolized the rebirth of the day at dawn and the rebirth of life in the spring. The arrival of spring was celebrated all over the world long before the religious meaning became associated with Easter.

Some of you may not know that I officiated the wedding (one of the four five) of Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock. I don’t talk a lot about my intermingling with the music industry, in fact, I’ve only mentioned it one other time in my post about going to Michael Jackson’s wedding.

I don’t know why I tend to avoid those subjects, but alas, this one was interesting enough to share.

When they asked me to perform the ceremony, I was, of course, very flattered, but there was a slight problem. They wanted to get married in a Presbyterian church, and I am not a Presbyterian minister. The families were gathered at the church inspecting and determining if this was really where they wanted the service, and I had attempted to tell them about this minor issue several times to no avail.

I realized they were close to making a decision on the church, so I told the entire party they had come meet with me outside. I sat them down and just put it out there…”I am not a Presbyterian minister! I am ordained by the Universal Life Church, yes, but not a Presbyterian church, therefore, I can not do a service here.” They were rather upset, as you can imagine, but they still wanted the service to be held at this church, and they still wanted me to perform it.

My main concern was not where they held the service, but that the service was not some dull and droll religious ceremony that did not reflect the very unique personalities and styles of Pam and Kid. And trust me, they have very unique styles. So I told them they should keep me on as a consultant and we would figure out the rest later. I would still help them plan the wedding, work with them on their vows, and make absolutely sure they had a successful day, regardless of whether the church allowed me to perform the actual service. That worked for them, so off we went.

I don’t want to give away all the secrets of the elaborate preparation (which included contracted with 3 bands, and 2 catering companies - one of which was exclusively vegetarian), so let’s flash forward to the wedding day. Let me tell you, this was a wedding like none other, except maybe Michael Jackson’s.

The day started out with a bang. Pam was busy with her bridesmaids getting all dolled up in her organic fibre wedding gown. I’m not sure why people even bother with white any more…the original meaning of that has been lost for good I think. Especially with these two lovely folks.

Kid was with the kids. Literally. Each of them have kids so he was getting into the tux with all of them clamoring around and being obnoxious, as kids will be. But eventually everyone in the wedding party made their way to the church. After about a month of begging and pleading partnering with the local pastor and elders of the church, I was allowed to perform the service. They realized that the exposure (and money) for the church was not something they were going to pass up.

I have to say, the place was packed. It was more like a rock concert than a wedding. Anyone who is anyone in the music industry was there. Clive Davis, Simon Cowell of American Idol fame, Mick Jagger, and numerous other friends of Kid. Pamela’s folks were also in attendance, including the entire cast of “VIP”. I was actually quite thrilled to see them there, as I’ve always had a thing for Tasha. Thankfully I got to spend some time chatting with them at the reception, so it was all worthwhile. Too bad they couldn’t keep their cars from the show - they were pretty snazzy.

The ceremony was unlike any religious themed service you may have been to before, in fact, there was as little religion as possible. And talk about music. Every other moment there was a musical interlude, either done by a live band (2 just for the ceremony), or pre-recorded. We wanted to have a service that reflected their unique personalities, remember? Well needless to say, they are both rockers.

No one in the congregation was allowed to wear animal products…Pam made sure this requirement was on the invitations, and I’ll tell you, there were a few rockers there who were longing for their leather pants, but they had to make due with all natural fibres. At any rate…the service went off without a hitch.

Each of them had prepared their own vows, with a little assistance from me, and it was actually quite entertaining listening to them dote on each other, in a somewhat sappy way. This wasn’t their first go around, so there were some inside jokes about previous marriages, and committing at least for the time being. It’s probably a good thing, because we all know what happened.

The reception was lovely. When you’ve got two people who both have a ton of money individually, they can afford to throw a kiss-*ss reception, complete with live band (Kid did a few numbers with them), food like you’ve never seen before (mostly vegetarian from one of the companies), and party favours for everyone (when you have that much money, you can afford $5000 gift bags for everyone in attendance, and I’d like to just say, I really enjoyed my trip to Hawaii, thanks Pam/Kid!). It was quite the Hollywood-esque gala, even though it was in the fellowship hall of the Presbyterian church.

Regardless of the eventual outcome of their relationship, it was a joyous day, and I’m all for a big party when it comes to weddings. In fact, I’m more interested in the party than the wedding in most cases. But hey, a wedding is a good excuse to celebrate, so I say everyone should do it once or twice, or three or four times in their lifetime :-).

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