That might possibly be the title of the next big book from author Heath L. Buckmaster.

But let me give you the background.

Today, David told me about a dream he had. Apparently we were were older, and I was a successful author. My dearling Rachelle had also apparently become famous, but in the dream he wasn’t sure what for, but it was some sort of “controversial” fame. This fame prompted me to write a memoir of my life with Rachelle.

The memoir was about how our relationship was basically a marriage without the sexual intimacy. And that’s not all that far from the truth in reality.

Then David paused a moment and told me that I was doing TV interviews promoting the book and all that in the dream, and that the book title was “If you only had a penis.” Well of course laughter ensued after that.

And you know that’s not that far from the truth. I told him that I would love to write a book with that title, because the title alone would help it sell.

So you may see something in a few years with an outlandish title and my name attached to it. If so, you’ll have read it here first :-).

I have finally seen the most disturbing movie since Seven. David has been trying to get me to watch this movie for a while now…he watched it many months ago shortly after we got the DVD, but for some reason I didn’t want to watch it at the time.

Part of me wishes I never had seen it, but part of me is very impressed by it. I suppose it’s similar to how I felt about Seven, which I have seen once and will never watch again. I found it to be so disturbing that I refuse to even have the DVD in the house. Excellent plot twists and suspense, but the depravity of the story just made me emotionally ill.

That’s almost exactly how I felt watching Saw. At first, the story was moving along very slowly, and more and more of the plot and backstory is revealed as the movie plays along. But once again, I felt that sick pre-diarhea feeling in my stomach at the mental torment I was experiencing.

I don’t ever want to see the movie again, though part of me wants to see the next ones in the series (I’ve read online synopsis of them and while incredibly disturbing, they seem to be very well written/executed - so to speak).

Cinematography was incredibly well done. The camera work was quite fluid, and I like some of the sped-up work they did during the flashbacks. The viewer actually felt what the characters were feeling. It was almost painful.

The story/writing, also excellent. If you didn’t know, the guy who played “Adam” was one of the writers. Very impressive detail in the story and amazingly well executed plot twists. I’m sort of interested to see the other movies just to see how well they are done (plus Donnie Wahlberg is in the next one).

As for gore, there is quite a bit, from a guy who has blown his brains out (supposedly), and a detective who takes a shotgun blast to the top of his head, to a girl who has to disembowel an alive but immobile man to get to a key that will save her life. (How did the key get there in the first place??)

I tell you, I’ve had dreams about it ever since we saw the movie, and it’s painful. I was up for hours last night seeing that freaking clown puppet in my mind.

The only thing that got me through it was that we watched Scary Movie 4 right afterward, which spoofs Saw (among other movies). So as my mind was sending me into nightmares wondering if the Jigsaw killer was going to capture me and put me into one of his bizarre traps, I was desperately clinging to the ridiculousness of Scary Movie 4. It barely got me through it.

That’s all. I didn’t intend to write a review really, just my mental torment from having seen this movie.

By popular demand, here are 10 posts you have likely not seen, especially if you’re a new subscriber to this blog. When syndicating, I think my setup is configured only to go back 10 posts…so if you’re subscribing from fresh, you’re missing out on a veritable cornucopia of interesting topics from the last 2+ years…

So here are a few things you might want to read and catch up on…

1. Homeless Recycling, Parts 1 & 2
2. Weddings
3. The Gay Agenda
4. Crazy Pills (and dreams about Britney Spears)
5. Migraines
6. Just My 2 Cents
7. Personality Disorders
8. Music Makes a People Come Together
9. Paula Poundstone and Christmas Ham
10. Luxury SUV’s

Enjoy…perhaps you’ll learn a little something interesting about Heath that you never knew you wanted to know before :-).

That’s what happened in a dream I had last night.

David and I were on some kind of road trip, and stopped by my parents house to watch TV. I wandered into the laundry room and noticed a setting on the machine that allowed it to send an SMS to your mobile phone or pager device when the cycle was complete and the clothes were ready to be moved into the dryer.

How convenient.

What household product do you have that you would like to be “aware”?

As I start to look at re-branding this blog, I wanted to take a moment to call your attention to what I feel are 16 of the most interesting posts that have flowed from my brain in the last couple of years. You may not find all of them hilarious or funny, as many of my posts tend to be, but you might find them interesting.

Insightful, inspiring, informative. The 3 I’s of blogging. Well, interesting as well, so really the 4 I’s of blogging. My four eyes. You get the point.

So without further or farther adieu or adoo, here I present them for your review:

1. Back before my wordpress migration, I did a 5 post series on the 2006 Out and Equal Workplace Equality Conference. You can start at the beginning when Rachelle and I arrived in Chicago, enjoy our adventures at a disgusting restaurant called Stetson’s, and revel in the magnificence of us meeting Mr. Sulu of the Enterprise.
2. Continuing on the multi-post theme, who could forget the 5 days of Victoria, BC. Not only did I finally get to meet Bobby Apperson, but we once again experience the awe inspiring Butchart Gardens.
3. Next on the list is an informational page about the Randompedia, the Random Encyclopedia. Are you looking for things you’d never find in wikipedia? Look no further/farther.
4. A pivotal point in my life centered around an event in November 2006. NaNoWriMo, the writing competition to complete a 50,000 word novel in 30 days. Well let me tell ya, I didn’t just complete it, I blew it out of the water in 12 days then started on the next one! Here’s the post that started it all. (And the post about my first book published on amazon.com)
5. Ready for something spooky and scary? How about the story behind one of my favourite holidays? Hellaween! (I also shared the true history of Valentine’s Day too, but it’s not one of my favourite holidays because it’s not really a holiday. However, Easter is.)
6. The list wouldn’t be complete without at least one GLBT informational component, and what better than a warning that you should not do business with the gays. Ok, maybe two components - especially a warning about hate crimes.
7. The Hellaween season continued with a quick movie review. Some of you might recall the 8 Films to Die For series, and specifically, the movie Unrest. Yeah - I tried to forget it too. Here’s the review.
8. One of the longest series posts that I’ve done here is the Childhood Journal. After receiving a stack of old notebooks from my parents, I realized there was a goldmine of interesting writings from yours truly back when I was a wee little boy. Here’s the one that kicked it off, which includes a link to the entire series.
9. Ok, so GLBT is a common theme here, and so I should probably fill you all in on what it means to be a Friend of Dorothy.
10. Want to know how to make the world a better place? Try Star Trek.
11. I don’t just care about making the world a better place, I also want to make your lives and relationships better. Who knew that you could learn so much about a relationship from your toothbrush?
12. One of the most popular posts I’ve ever done was about throwing a wine party. It’s really quite easy, and I’ve provided simple instructions on making it a memorable event.
13. Some of you were probably wondering when I’d get to this one, and number 13 is probably appropriate for it. That’s right, it’s my American Idol series.
14. Time for a meme. I’ve done quite a few of these, so I’ll lump some together into #14. What’s on your iPod, iTunes Meme, and What’s On Your Desk.
15. Sometimes it’s important to share your dreams. For some reason I felt compelled to share one of my most bizarre ones with you.
16. Finally, I provided more education, in a post on 8 Quick Tips for Aspiring Amateur Photographers. We don’t just provide entertainment here, we also educate.

So there you have it. 16 posts (actually 22 but in a list of 16) that resonated with me and with my readers (based on a very scientific process that I developed just for this post). Have a great time browsing around, and remember that these are just a sample of what we have to offer here at Digital Heath.

Also remember - safety first!

Some of you may not know that I officiated the wedding (one of the four five) of Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock. I don’t talk a lot about my intermingling with the music industry, in fact, I’ve only mentioned it one other time in my post about going to Michael Jackson’s wedding.

I don’t know why I tend to avoid those subjects, but alas, this one was interesting enough to share.

When they asked me to perform the ceremony, I was, of course, very flattered, but there was a slight problem. They wanted to get married in a Presbyterian church, and I am not a Presbyterian minister. The families were gathered at the church inspecting and determining if this was really where they wanted the service, and I had attempted to tell them about this minor issue several times to no avail.

I realized they were close to making a decision on the church, so I told the entire party they had come meet with me outside. I sat them down and just put it out there…”I am not a Presbyterian minister! I am ordained by the Universal Life Church, yes, but not a Presbyterian church, therefore, I can not do a service here.” They were rather upset, as you can imagine, but they still wanted the service to be held at this church, and they still wanted me to perform it.

My main concern was not where they held the service, but that the service was not some dull and droll religious ceremony that did not reflect the very unique personalities and styles of Pam and Kid. And trust me, they have very unique styles. So I told them they should keep me on as a consultant and we would figure out the rest later. I would still help them plan the wedding, work with them on their vows, and make absolutely sure they had a successful day, regardless of whether the church allowed me to perform the actual service. That worked for them, so off we went.

I don’t want to give away all the secrets of the elaborate preparation (which included contracted with 3 bands, and 2 catering companies - one of which was exclusively vegetarian), so let’s flash forward to the wedding day. Let me tell you, this was a wedding like none other, except maybe Michael Jackson’s.

The day started out with a bang. Pam was busy with her bridesmaids getting all dolled up in her organic fibre wedding gown. I’m not sure why people even bother with white any more…the original meaning of that has been lost for good I think. Especially with these two lovely folks.

Kid was with the kids. Literally. Each of them have kids so he was getting into the tux with all of them clamoring around and being obnoxious, as kids will be. But eventually everyone in the wedding party made their way to the church. After about a month of begging and pleading partnering with the local pastor and elders of the church, I was allowed to perform the service. They realized that the exposure (and money) for the church was not something they were going to pass up.

I have to say, the place was packed. It was more like a rock concert than a wedding. Anyone who is anyone in the music industry was there. Clive Davis, Simon Cowell of American Idol fame, Mick Jagger, and numerous other friends of Kid. Pamela’s folks were also in attendance, including the entire cast of “VIP”. I was actually quite thrilled to see them there, as I’ve always had a thing for Tasha. Thankfully I got to spend some time chatting with them at the reception, so it was all worthwhile. Too bad they couldn’t keep their cars from the show - they were pretty snazzy.

The ceremony was unlike any religious themed service you may have been to before, in fact, there was as little religion as possible. And talk about music. Every other moment there was a musical interlude, either done by a live band (2 just for the ceremony), or pre-recorded. We wanted to have a service that reflected their unique personalities, remember? Well needless to say, they are both rockers.

No one in the congregation was allowed to wear animal products…Pam made sure this requirement was on the invitations, and I’ll tell you, there were a few rockers there who were longing for their leather pants, but they had to make due with all natural fibres. At any rate…the service went off without a hitch.

Each of them had prepared their own vows, with a little assistance from me, and it was actually quite entertaining listening to them dote on each other, in a somewhat sappy way. This wasn’t their first go around, so there were some inside jokes about previous marriages, and committing at least for the time being. It’s probably a good thing, because we all know what happened.

The reception was lovely. When you’ve got two people who both have a ton of money individually, they can afford to throw a kiss-*ss reception, complete with live band (Kid did a few numbers with them), food like you’ve never seen before (mostly vegetarian from one of the companies), and party favours for everyone (when you have that much money, you can afford $5000 gift bags for everyone in attendance, and I’d like to just say, I really enjoyed my trip to Hawaii, thanks Pam/Kid!). It was quite the Hollywood-esque gala, even though it was in the fellowship hall of the Presbyterian church.

Regardless of the eventual outcome of their relationship, it was a joyous day, and I’m all for a big party when it comes to weddings. In fact, I’m more interested in the party than the wedding in most cases. But hey, a wedding is a good excuse to celebrate, so I say everyone should do it once or twice, or three or four times in their lifetime :-).

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I attended Michael Jackson’s wedding yesterday. Well, more accurately, I was a groomsman in the wedding. But even more accurately, I was late to the wedding and was barely able to get in to just sit in the congregation…it’s a long story, but here you go.

I was actually across town, but had left myself plenty of time to get to the cathedral for the wedding. My wife was already there waiting for me, but I was getting something repaired on my tuxedo coat, and unfortunately the shop was nowhere near the cathedral. Anyway, the coat was finally fixed (after much “influencing” from me), and I went outside to hail a taxi, which arrived very shortly.

I told the driver that I needed to get to the cathedral, and we began, what I assumed would be a very quick 5-10 minute drive, 15 minutes at the most. Well I was busy fiddling with the coat in the back seat, and doing some last minute communications with my mobile phone, and before I realized it, we were heading out of town! I have no idea what the driver was thinking, but I screamed “Where are you going?? The cathedral is the other way!”

I didn’t actually mean to scream at him, but I was so shocked at being now VERY far away from the church, it just came shouting out of my mouth. He did not seemed flustered, and we took an exit off the highway and he made a u-turn to get back going the right direction. But as karma would have it, my shouting must have flustered him more than I was aware of because he lost control of the taxi and there we were in a ditch on the entrance ramp. I was furious, needless to say.
I got on my cell phone and called the cops to let them know about the accident. In hindsight, I should have called or sent a note to my wife first telling her there was a problem, but at this point, I was more concerned about how I was ever going to get back to the cathedral. Actually, the taxi was not damaged that much and it would certainly be fine to drive, but it was at a significant downward slope and would require towing to get back onto the road.

While I was on the phone with the cops, the driver became aware of who I was talking to and seemed to get very agitated. I’m not sure if it was because he was worried that the cops would deport him…or if it was because he was part of some secret mafia group intent on keeping me from the wedding, but that was just a silly thought at the time.

Anyway - we eventually got towed backwards onto the entrance ramp (after much impatience on my part), and we zoomed off to the cathedral. Unfortunately, when I arrived, the doors to the sanctuary had already been closed, and my wife had decided to sit out in the lobby waiting for me. I didn’t know this at the time, so I was running around trying to find an open door that would allow me into the sanctuary. Thankfully, I did find one that was not being manned by a security guard. They would have recognized me anyway, but I wasn’t necessarily thinking clearly at this point.
I was able to get into the sanctuary, but unfortunately, was too late to get into the wedding party, so I found a spot near the front and took my seat. I was very concerned that my wife was not there, so I quickly pulled my mobile out and tried to send her a text to find out where she was and tell her to find the open door. Meanwhile, the wedding party (the grooms and bridesmaids) were beginning a choreographed dance-like routine, creating an archway for a procession of special guests to the wedding.

I was amazed at the number of dignitaries, and celebrities that entered the sanctuary at that point. I certainly didn’t remember this from the rehearsal dinner. Anyway, that ended, and the singing began. There were numerous guest singers, and each of them had hair that was bigger and taller than I’d even seen in the 80’s, but they certainly could sing. But really, if you’re asked to sing for Michael Jackson’s wedding, you had better be very good. People were really going all-out for this event, but hey, how often do people get married these days?

There were a LOT of children in the sanctuary, and I can’t tell you how many times I heard “shhhhhhh!” from irritated mothers. This is one of my pet peeves - children in public. Leave them at home if they can’t behave…

Anyway…the culmination of the ceremony was an emotional catharsis for me. All of a sudden, every door to the sanctuary opened up, at hundreds of fans had lined the walls of the cathedral, and were singing in unison. I literally had tears. It was beautiful. We took a lot of pictures afterward, which will eventually get posted. All in all, and after many apologies to the groom, it was a success.

What a wonderful way to start the new year!

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