If you are delivering room service to a customer, and they have ordered a Diet Pepsi to go along with their meal, do not bring them a regular Pepsi just because you are out of Diet Pepsi. They are not the same beverage. Diet Coke could perhaps be substituted, but not a non-diet soda.

Second, do not then tell the customer that they can call one of the bell boys to see if they will go into the employee break room and get a Diet Pepsi from the drink machine for you. If there are Diet Pepsi’s in the break room, go get one before bringing the food to your customer, and they will never know that you have a beverage stocking issue.

Oh…and put some freaking vending machines next to the ice maker like every other hotel on the planet does.

Thanks.

In the spirit of multiculturalism and diversity, I have chosen to dedicate this special blog to the Christian holiday, Easter*. What is Easter? Where did it come from? Is it a religious holiday or a celebration of all things small, furry, and blue/white with big floppy ears?

As a child I remember trying to stay up as late as I could the day before Easter (Easter Eve), so I could catch a glimpse of the Easter Bunny (or wasn’t it supposed to be a resurrected savior? - never fear, they’ve now combined the two). Finally when my eyelids would no longer stay open, usually about 8pm, I fell asleep. After arising the next day (also usually 8pm), I would race to my bedroom door to see what Jesus had left for me. Who knew that Jesus could turn a loaf of bread into a basket of multi-coloured eggs.

I think that’s why I’m gay. No, not because the lord our god (L.O.G.) performed a miracle with the chicken and the egg, but because the rainbow flag was bestowed on me at such an early age. The eggs were red and yellow and green and brown and scarlet and black and ocre and peach, ruby and olive and violet and fawn, cream and silver and purple and gold, russet and white and pink and orange and BLUE!

Ok, so I didn’t really have THAT many eggs, but those were the colours on Joseph’s Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat and they sure were pretty…anyway…..eggs. The basket was full of them. But not just ordinary eggs. These eggs were plastic! I wasn’t sure what you did to an egg to make it plastic, but I’m sure it involved a lot of boiling. Needless to say, I wasn’t very careful with them because I knew there was no yolk to spill. What I didn’t realize though, is that instead of yolk, Jesus had put money and candy inside these eggs! The money was obviously meant for me to put in the offering plate at church, but the candy was all mine!
Jelly beans of every colour imagineable, jujube’s, candy corn (I thought these were only for Hellaween!), marshmallow duckies with sugar on top, raindrops on roses and noses on kittens, bright yellow packages tied up with string, these are a few of my fav…whoops! got a little carried away there.

Eggs. Candy in the eggs. So of course I had to eat all the candy in the 2 hours before church. By the time we got to god’s house, and what a fine pad he had with a loft and track lighting and candles from Pier 1….anyway…I had a tummy ache. Let’s all thank L.O.G. for these gifts which give us gas.

We sang some songs about a tomb, and a rock, well, a boulder really, a monolith in fact, Ayers rock if you will….and then something about rising from the dead, but I didn’t see what that had to do with candy so I didn’t sing along. Finally church was over and it was time for the Easter Brunch. I don’t know why they call it Easter Brunch, because by the time we got there, it was well after noon, which practically makes it Easter Dinner, or maybe Linner, or Dunch.

To further confuse the issue, we had exactly the same food as we’d had for Thanksgiving Brunch/Dinner. Apparently the holidays are related, though I don’t know why anyone would give thanks for dying on the same day every single year and being put in a cold rocky tomb, but who am I to judge another lifestyle?

So Easter Ludinner ended, and my tummy was even more sore because now the jelly beans were combining with the baked beans, and the juxtaposition of the two in my stomach was creating a very unpleasant ride home. Somehow I managed to survive the 2 mile trip from cafeteria to bedroom, where I lay on top of the covers moaning in pain. All the while thanking L.O.G. for the blessings bestowed on me this day.

After a few hours, I finally started feeling better and decided to revisit the Easter basket to see if I had overlooked anything. Anyone who has seen an Easter Basket knows how easily things can get lost in the green plastic grass strips.

I dumped the cash out and stuffed it in my piggy bank, and started digging through the Astroturf. Low and behold, and ye verily, the mother lode appeared!

Apparently Jesus appreciated me going to church to celebrate his death, because what to my wondering eyes should appear (no not a sleigh with eight tiny reindeer, honestly we should just consolidate all these holidays into one big HOLIDAY, Celebrate! If we took a holiday, took some time to celebrate, just one day out of life, HOLIDAY!)

The Cadbury Creme Egg. The epitome of egg. The crème de la crème of egg. The Alpha and the Omega of egg. The great I AM egg.

I held the egg gently in my fingers, careful not to warm it too much so that the chocolate would melt in the wrapper. Slowly, I peeled back the foil which held it so tight, revealing the true meaning of Easter. Liquid sugar, encased in chocolate.

Forget about all this death and dying nonsense. this was my reason for living. My salvation, my rock. This precious gift from above was to be savored, worshiped, praised. And so like a good boy, I praised it like I should.

In one gigantic bite, I split the egg apart, showering my taste buds with the rich and creamy goodness, that could only come from such a precious gift. I let the liquid sugar and chocolate melt across my tongue, washing away any leftover taste of brunchinner.

Softly, and slowly, I swallowed. Always wanting to remember this very special Cadbury Crème Egg, and to never forget the true meaning of the holiday.

Then I promptly ran to the bathroom, and showered the god who sits on the white porcelain throne with all that I had been bestowed.

* Easter, like Christmas, is a blend of paganism and Christianity. The word Easter is derived from Eostre (also known as Ostara), an ancient Anglo-Saxon Goddess. She symbolized the rebirth of the day at dawn and the rebirth of life in the spring. The arrival of spring was celebrated all over the world long before the religious meaning became associated with Easter.

According to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), as of March 7, 2007, 425 people in 44 states have now been infected with the strain of Salmonella Tennessee found in Peter Pan and Great Value peanut butter products.However, although 71 people were hospitalized there have been no fatalities.Most persons infected with Salmonella develop diarrhea, fever, and abdominal cramps 12 to 72 hours after infection.The illness usually lasts 4 to 7 days, and most recover without treatment, however, in some people the diarrhea may be so severe that the patient needs to be hospitalized. [Link]

You know…I’ve had diarrhea like that before. It happened after we got back from Mazatlan last year. It wasn’t, thankfully, caused by Peanut Butter (which is one of my personal addictions in life), but was most definitely caused by the 2lbs of fresh shrimp we consumed on the last day of the trip.

The article goes on to say, “Initially, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration said all Peter Pan peanut butter bought since May 2006, and all of Wal-Mart Inc.’s Great Value peanut butter with the batch code 2111 should be discarded.”

Oh the irony of “Great Value”…I wonder if they were rolling back prices to get that off the shelf. While I’m not averse to Wal-Mart, I am averse to the ones in the Sacramento area, due to the…how can I put this delicately enough so that people won’t think I’m a stuck up, pretentious *ss. Nope, there’s no way to do that. Classless. Ok, that was moderately delicate. I mean, I didn’t use the term white-trash did I? No, because I don’t like that term. No one is trash. However, some people are not necessarily well kempt.

I think you know what I’m talking about…it all goes back to wearing sweat pants in public. Sick and wrong for so many reasons. Not only do they put it all out there for everyone to see, but they are also incredibly unflattering to anyone who has more than 1% body fat. But we’re really digressing away from the story here.

Peanut Butter. I’ve NEVER been a fan of the stir-it-yourself variety, you know the ones with an inch of oil at the top of the container that you must stir into the thick mush in order for it to be edible? Yeah, I pour it right off the top into the trash can and deal with the brick-like paste. It doesn’t work for me.

Anyway…please be careful about the Peanut Butter you choose. Cheaper is not always better, and really, why would you EVER buy a grocery item at Wal-Mart? Please go to your local Albertson’s or Raley’s and pick up something healthy, and salmonella-free.

This past weekend we had our first ever Wine Party. It was a huge success, so I wanted to tell you all about it, and provide some tips and tricks for throwing your very own Wine Party.

Preparation is essential. The host must be absolutely confident in their ability to speak in front of a group, and must be knowledgeable about the wines they have chosen to present for tasting. Spend several hours in the weeks prior to your event, going through your wine collection, or the collection at your local Cost Plus World Market. Unless you are going to theme your event (wines of Napa, wines of Italy, etc.), select a good assortment of wines from all over the world. This will give your tasters a good variety, and a memorable experience. Especially try to pick wines that are unfamiliar or unique in some way.

The most exciting part of the wine party is the time you spend telling a story about the wine you have selected, so do your research. Always visit the winery website, and create tasting cards about each wine (print these out for your tasters, including an image of the wine label if possible). There will be winemaker notes for most wines…read it, remember it, use it. If possible, try the wines in advance so you can speak from personal experience.

Here are the wines that I selected from our collection:

• 2005 Cosentino Chardonnay
• 2005 Ceago Sauvignon Blanc
• 2002 Red Diamon Shiraz
• 2003 Terrazas de Los Andes Malbec
• 2002 Monix Merlot
• 2004 Penley Estate Cabernet Sauvignon
• NV Duplin Scuppernong (dessert)
• NV Settecieli Vin Santo (dessert)
• NV Montevina Zinfandel Port
• NV Domaine Chandon California Brut Classic

Now that you have chosen your wines and you have made the tasting cards for each, it’s time to think about flavour notes. These are the different smells and aromas that come out of a nice glass of wine. Create smelling dishes for your guests, with an assortment of herbs, fruits, and spices. First and foremost, have a dish of coffee beans. This is required to cleanse the sinuses between tastings. I chose the following items for use with aroma testing: Lavender, Cloves, Orange Peel, Mint, Peppers, Vanilla Beans, and Cinnamon. Base your choices off the wines you have selected. Your guests will have a lot of fun trying to “taste the aromas”.

Next on the table you must remember rinse water. Have a pitcher, and a “dumping container” available so that guests can rinse their glass when moving between white and red wines, and between normal wines and dessert wines. You do not want to have residual wine in your glass that interferes with your next taste. It’s also very glassy to have a beautiful water pitcher to use for this purpose.

Now it’s time to think about food pairing. Unless you are having a themed wine party (specific pairings with foods or desserts), you want to have a good assortment for people to choose from. If you are having your wine party near dinner time, heavier appetizer items are appropriate. Always have a selection of both savoury and sweet items, as they will compliment different wines differently.

For our party, we selected the following savoury items: Beef chimichangas and taquitos, roasted red pepper hummus dip, carmelized onion and roasted garlic dip, hummus chips, water crackers, chicken and vegetable potstickers with soy sauce, cheese pizza rolls, and cheese and garlic focaccia. You should allow your guests to eat some items before wine tasting, to prevent an inappropriately early alcohol buzz. This is also essential if you are tasting many wines, to prevent drunk and disorderly behaviour (save that for the champagne/sparkling wine).

I should segue for a moment about non-wine beverages. I elected to only provide water to drink (both with lemon and without lemon). It is absolutely essential for your guests to stay hydrated during tasting. This not only allows them a fresh drink to clear the palate, but prevents hangovers if you drink enough water. Have water goblets ready and available for all guests, and keep them filled.

Now back to the food. We’re on to cheese items now. Always have an assortment of cheeses when serving wine, and select those that will pair the best. I have found that creamy cheese like havarti go with any kind of wine, while sharper and stronger cheese go well with ports. We selected: havarti, dubliner, monterey jack, and cheddar. Cut them into squares and recommend to your guests that they reserve the stronger cheeses until you get to the port tasting.

Now it’s time for the primary tasting. This begins with the white wines (always serve from a chilled container), then moves to reds. Hold your dessert wines aside for the time being. Let people enjoy the savoury wines first before you bring out dessert items. Tell your guests about the wine, and read the tasting notes for them or tell a personal story about why you selected that particular wine. Serve them approximately 1/3rd pour, using a pouring topper that you can get in a bartending kit. This not only aerates the wine, but it allows a more even pour. Let everyone take their time, smelling the aroma items, and enjoying the wine. Always offer seconds if they want more to try.

Move through your white wines, then pause to allow guests to rinse glasses before moving to the reds. Start with your lighter reds, then move to the Merlot and Cab items at the end. I like to end with a very hearty wine like a Malbec or a Cabernet Sauvignon. Pause and allow your guests to mingle for a while. Allow them to try more of any of the previous wines. Never rush into dessert wines. This allows the host time to prepare the all important dessert tray.

So what do you choose for dessert wine pairings? Chocolate and cheese, and possibly fresh fruit depending upon the wines. You can use the same cheese options as you did for the primary wines, but make sure there is a nice strong cheese available for the port tasters. By the way, it’s perfectly ok if a guest does not want to try one of the wines. Do not be offended, it’s simply personal preference - some people do not like sweet wines, and some people only like sweet wines.

For chocolates: milk, white, dark, and an additional item with nuts or toffees is appropriate. Base your final chocolate on the wines you are serving. Some dessert wines will have distinct nut flavours, so you want to create a nice pairing. Hershey’s Symphony Milk Chocolate with Almonds and Toffee is a wonderful fourth chocolate to provide. Cut the chocolates into blocks or squares so they are easy to eat.

Move through the dessert wines in much the same way as you did with the primary wines. Make sure guests rinse their glasses after every tasting! Dessert wines are vastly different, and you do not want to mix them.

Allow your guests to continue enjoying the wines (both primary and dessert) for some time. Some people will go back to a particular white or red wine they enjoyed, even after dessert wines, so offer them additional food or dessert items as appropriate, while you prepare the champagne toast which will top off the evening.

Always open the champagne or sparkling wine in front of the guests. Not only is it exciting to hear the cork pop (do NOT show off by popping a cork indoors - you will hit someone or break something - always use a towel to cover the cork while slowly twisting and removing it), and to watch the bubbly pour into the champagne flutes. Be careful to prevent champagne from spilling over the rim of the glass, creating a sticky stem.

Toast with your guests, and enjoy the rest of the evening socializing and enjoying the wines. Optionally, guests may enjoy a shot of Chambord or other fruit based liquor in their champagne. Another option is the Buckmaster Flash (tm), which is a 50/50 mixture of port and champagne.

Never clean up immediately after your party if it ends at night. Enjoy your evening of bubbly relaxation, and clean up in the morning. With the number of glasses and plates used for a party such as this, you’ll want to have an automatic dishwasher available, or a really great friend.

Best wishes on creating and hosting your very own Wine Party!!

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Tragedy struck this morning, when our coffee maker refused to pump steaming hot water through the filter and into the carafe. I was beside myself with concern. There were two of me.

We rushed off to Cost-Co, which is just what you have to do in situations like this…and then behold, the Mr. Coffee FTX25

How do I love our new coffee maker? Let me count the ways.

• Stainless Steel Design compliments today’s kitchen trends - oh this is true, the black and steel look is just perfect in our 1947-built kitchen
• Brewing Pause ‘n Serve lets you pour a cup of coffee while the coffeemaker is still brewing - this is a must for our coffee maker, because David insists on drinking the very first cup that comes out of the machine, for the boldest flavour
• Removable Filter Basket lifts out of Brew Basket for fast and easy filling and cleaning - eh, this is ok, except for the stack of 200 paper filters that we have in the kitchen cabinet that won’t work with this model
• 2-hour Auto Shut-Off keeps your coffee warm for 2 hours and then automatically shuts off - because really, after 2 hours, it’s sludge
• Delay Brew allows you to set your coffeemaker up to 24 hours in advance to begin brewing at a specific time - use it all the time, in fact right now it’s set to brew a hot 6 cups of coffee at 6:35am
• Fresh Brew™ Timer lets you know how long your coffee has been waiting for you - the green clock screen fills like a pie chart until it reaches 120 minutes and tells you that your coffee needs to be dumped, and besides, it’s trademarked so you have to like it
  
• Adjustable Temperature Warmer Plate lets you decide how hot you want to keep your coffee - I’ve never found this useful, I just leave it in the middle all the time
• Dual Water Windows show the amount of water in the reservoir for accurate filling - that’s so you can stand askew and still see how much water you’re pouring in…novel idea
• Audible Ready Signals alert you when the coffeemaker has finished the brewing or cleaning cycle - five wonderfully pleasing beeps

I was pleasantly surprised to find that the company running our cafe supports Equal Rights for everyone.

It doesn’t matter if you are a regular, a decaf, a very vanilla, or even if you’re a house brew. It doesn’t even matter if you’re one of those “deviant” soy lattes or double shot americanos.

Regardless of who you are or what you wear, Equal Rights are for you. They know it’s the right thing to do…why don’t you?

[ratings]

A story told in photographs.

Preparing the dessert - mouse filled chocolate cupcakes.

David prepares a special sauce.

Mushroom soup goes into the blender, while green beans and bacon sit idle.

A raspberry vinegarette for the salad option.

The diners bask in the after-dinner warm food feelings, and Heath realizes that there are absolutely no pictures of the actual food items.

Thankfully everyone is too busy playing with their Hawaiian paraphernalia to notice that there are no pictures of the food…(don’t tell David).

Besides, I think you’ll be able to tell from this video that they didn’t really care about the pictures anyway….