What makes me a rebel? The “left” sock is on my right foot, and the “right” sock is on my left foot.

Take that.

Challenge completed - story ongoing. I’m currently at 50,234, but the story is progressing in several new directions and I’m going to keep on truckin’ along. We’ll see whether I completely finish the story this month, but I will continue to update my wordcount on the site for those of you who are also NaNoing and keeping track.

Best wishes to everyone who is participating - and I look forward to the rest of you hitting the 50k mark soon!

It can turn a bet into a belt, or a mat into a malt. It can bog down your blog or put a clog in your cog. Rea Pearlman isn’t her Real name, and while you might like Ike, no one would watch a show called Famiy Guy.

But the real L that I want to discuss is the L in my name. It’s the L that turns Heath into Health and Health into Heath. Most spell checks will correct someone typing in Heath, and try to make it Health. They just insist on shoving that L in there where it doesn’t belong. And I don’t know about you, but I don’t know that many people who like getting an L shoved in them. Well, I do know some people like that - Ike likes it.

I have several alerts that…alert me when someone searches on “heath” or “heath buckmaster”. I also have alerts on “digital heath” since that’s the domain that hosts this blog. It’s amazing some of the hits I get for people who are really trying to refer to digital HEALTH, but have mistakenly left out the L.

MSNBC did this not that long ago, and here’s what it looked like on the front page of the website:

If you look closely (and follow the big red/yellow arrow I drew), you will see that MSNBC had a very important article right there on the front page. And I have to say, I totally agree with their message. “Few Americans follow heath advice.” I couldn’t agree more. More people need to listen to me. I say important things people!

What a difference an L makes, huh? And I was lucky enough to get a screen shot of it before someone ran a spell check and realized that in this one particular case, an L needed a good shoving.

To finally hammer home my point of the importance of knowing when to, and when not to shove an L up in there, I present to you this very famous passage:

Mr. land Mrs. Dursey, of number flour, Privet Drivel, were proud to slay that they were perfecty norma, thank you very mulch. They were the ast peope you’d expect to be invoved in anything strange or mysterious, because they just didn’t hod with such nonsense.

I’ll spare you the rest…it gets a lot worse. Don’t forget your L’s!!!

Reminds me of when I choreographed a routine to Vogue for the Montreat Youth Conference when I was a freshmen in college

Very talented though - I was impressed with the synchronization, and the leg muscles. Bike riders…

Did you know that the Princess Carrina series for Young Readers is complete? That’s right! A three book series that’s just waiting for you to grab it up and enjoy. If you haven’t been with us in a while, you might not know that the third and final book just became available on amazon.com. This means that the entire series is there for the taking!

I haven’t decided if I will write a fourth in the series, but if I do it will probably not be until 2010, or perhaps in November 2009 during NaNoWriMo. There is just too much other stuff on my plate, and while I enjoyed the young reader’s series, I tend to prefer more adult fiction, and I think my writing is better in non-youth literature.

I’ll share a secret with you - most people like book 2 the best - that’s The Venus Diary. Personally, I prefer the third, and final book in the series The Dragons of Tarnack. Book 1 - Box of Hair: A Fairy Tale, was originally intended to be the only book, but then I got the itch to see if I could evolve the characters and storyline, and that’s why books 2 and 3 are better :-).

The other things that you’ll find available on amazon.com, or Barnes & Noble if you prefer, are my blog compilation volume 1, a 3-book poetry compilation, and a short story (exclusively at lulu.com). Everything is also Kindle enabled, if you’ve got one of those snazzy devices (just search “heath buckmaster” on amazon.com). Buy everything and you’ll get free shipping from amazon.com!!

With the holidays coming up soon, a book is a wonderful gift for readers young and old alike, and thank you in advance for supporting Independent Authors!!!

Should I be using categories, tags, or both to “categorize” my posts? Wordpress has these wonderful new features regarding categories and tags, but I find myself at a crossroads trying to use both.

So far I haven’t used any tags, only categories, and I do enjoy having a category cloud widget at the right so you can see frequency and search based on those…but…I feel like I must be missing out on something by not using tags?

What’s the general recommendation on how to use both of them together, effectively? Oh and what about keywords? Should they be the same as the categories or the tags?

I’m pretty much half-way there! And I have to say I’m loving this story. It constantly challenges me; I’ve made a number of plot and character changes along the way; I’m diggin’ the humour as well as the ridiculousness that spews forth; I can’t wait to see what happens when I’m done!

Best wishes to everyone participating in the National Novel Writing Month!!

The big news for California is that Proposition 8 to write discrimination into our constitution has likely passed (based on the current election estimates - if this somehow changes I’ll update this). This has a huge and hateful impact on GLBT residents of California who want full equality as intended by our founding fathers. Unfortunately, some people in this country just don’t get it.

What an evening. I was glued to Anderson Cooper (and CNN) for most of the night…the election coverage was pretty good, with a heck of a lot of commentary from both sides of the political system. It’s probably the first time in a long time that I was actually interested an excited about the election - and as I mentioned before, this is a world changing event.

I’m curious to see where it goes from here…

California Results - the big one here is Prop 8, at least for a lot of people in this state. In Sacramento we’re also looking at the mayoral race, although Kevin J maybe have screwed himself recently by taking his “private tour” of the capital - according to some people being interviewed on NPR, they tore up their support signs when they heard about it. But back to Prop 8. The appropriate response is NO on Prop 8. Don’t allow discrimination of any kind to be written into the constitution, regardless of how you feel about marriage.

Or for those of you with small children reading this, you are permitted to feel hecka great, although hecka great doesn’t even come close to feeling hella great.

What a joyous and fun day to celebrate the exhumation of spirits and ghouls and ghosts and zombies that creep out from every tomb and are closing in to seal your doom (snaps to MJ). Hellaween is my second favourite helladay just after Xmas (and soon will become my favourite). Third on the list is Turkey Day, and then after that there are no other helladays that float my boat. Hellaween and Xmas are the only two major helladays in our culture that require massive amounts of decorations, themed parties, and costuming.

Houses are decorated with strands of orange lights and pumpkins for Hellaween, and are decorated with strands of white and multicoloured lights and trees for Xmas.Hellaween brings us carved pumpkins, while Xmas brings us carved turkeys and hams. For the dark helladay we dress up in costumes that could be scary, funny, wild, or crazy, and for the bright helladay, we dress up in festive reds and whites indicative of the leader of Xmas, Santa Clause.

Hellaween, however, doesn’t really have the same type of official mascot as Xmas. In fact, when we look across the gamut of helladays can you think of any other that has that official figurehead? Personally I think it’s about time for an officially designated leader of Hellaween.

Those of you who are huge fans of The Nightmare Before Xmas may begin the lobby for Jack Skellington, that hollow-headed insane creature who has a fascination for women with stitches all over their bodies. Others of you might feel that because this is the dark helladay, we need a more loathsome, e-ville (as in frew-its of the de-ville) type of creature like Satan, the Devil, Lucifer, Beelzebub, the Fallen One, or some other derivative of the former angel of music (if you didn’t get this, please refer to the Music Makes a People Come Together Editorial).

But this can’t be a happy story…we are talking about the dark helladay you know…so let us reflect on that most memorable day in our history…The Great Hellaween Massacre…

Enter my Hellavision. A massively evil orange pumpkin man, basically the size of the Stay Puft Marshmallow man from that classic Hellaween movie, Ghostbusters. What other figure could simultaneously cause explosions of laughter and screams of terror from children everywhere, as the Hellaween Evil Man-Pumpkin (HEMP) comes crashing through their neighbourhoods stealing candy, decorations, and any child dressed up as a pumpkin.

Panic would ensue on Hellaween as children everywhere begin to see a massive pumpkin moving toward their city - not knowing what was happening, who this was, where it came from, and why it was so orange and as big as the sun. The screaming would start as trick-or-treat’ers would begin the mad dash home, as the HEMP begins taking over the terrified population summoning ghosts and ghouls from the depths of every mortuary in town.

Eerie bats, who make that WEEE WEEE WEEE sound, would fly out from caverns deep in the mountains…vampire bats, swooping down on unsuspecting children picking them up and carrying them into the lair of the evil HEMP. There he would munch and crunch (good crunchings and munchings, snaps to DB).

Screams would come from all corners of the globe as children raced to change their costumes into something other than pumpkins so that the HEMP would pass them over. Parents would quickly smash all of their carved pumpkins into the street, not only in protest and defiance, but so the HEMP wouldn’t see how they had desecrated his next of kin. Orange lights on houses would quickly be replaced with black, so the HEMP couldn’t see the scared children hiding behind the fake tombstones and witch statues.

HEMP would smash buildings, rip out trees, break darns causing huge floods, throw cars around like little toys, express copious amounts of cloudy gas from his pumpkin butt, and generally irritate anyone in the vicinity. After an unnecessary number of hours, the government would declare a state of emergency.

The HEMP must be stopped! We must send in the armed guards dressed in orange camo! We must send in hellacopters and tanks! We must smite the HEMP and protect our children from the dark helladay! But the HEMP would be too powerful against the tiny army that was left after the rest of them had already been sent across the world to smite a secondary evil, and so the people of the country would unite against HEMP on their own. (there would be a special referendum that they would vote on, to abolish the HEMP)

“DOWN WITH THE HEMP, DOWN WITH THE HEMP” they would shout, as parents and children would arm themselves with the pitchforks that were stuck in haystacks in their front yard decorations, and carving knives from the pumpkin carving set, and torches burning bright to illuminate the city in the unnatural darkness of Hellaween. HEMP would crash into the center of the town, surrounded by an angry mob, blasting his cloudy gas and grabbing children who hadn’t had time to change costumes and sending them flying into his gaping, toothy mouth.

The angry crowd would begin chanting, “BURN THE HEMP, BURN THE HEMP, SMOKE HIM OUT!!!”. Flames would erupt around the HEMP, as he tried to jump up a building and get away from the flames, but the force of the parents and children in costumes would overpower him, burning his tender orange flesh. Dark black smoke would fill the air on Hellaween, blocking out the last rays of the smoldering sun, sending children and parents dashing through the darkness with costumes and capes blowing behind, as the HEMP comes crashing down into a blaze of glory. A Hellaween bonfire if you will.

The HEMP gets hotter and hotter, he starts to expand, and bulge, then suddenly explodes, sending bits of pumpkin and freshly baked seeds flying across all corners of the earth, smacking children in the face blowing them miles away with the force of the seeds. Ghosts and ghouls flying in every direction with faces full of cooked pumpkin. Showers of orange splattering houses and buildings, trees and mountains, filling the lakes and rivers with an orange soupy gunk.

At last the explosions stop. The angry and scared people stand dumbstruck at the carnage around them. People drip with pumpkin, wandering about looking for loved ones, on this the Great Hellaween Massacre. But as the rebuilding process begins, and as parents find their children, still in costume, but scattered far and wide, they realize that the day has been saved, and joyous cheering erupts from every mouth (along with seeds and pumpkin rind).

“HURRAY, HURRAH, the HEMP IS GONE!!!!!”

The government, satisfied that the HEMP has been abolished, goes back into hibernation. While the people gather round, bringing bags of brown sugar, salt, baking soda, and nutmeg, and enjoy freshly baked pumpkin pie to celebrate the defeat of the HEMP. Then suddenly, they realized that the HEMP wasn’t really all that bad. Yes it had caused some destruction of city property, and yes it had caused people to run around screaming and laughing and doing foolish things, but there had also been a wonderful byproduct of the HEMP…this delicious and wonderful pumpkin pie that they were now enjoying, and the fantabulous baked seeds that they were crunching.

Suddenly the crowd began to sing, “LONG LIVE THE HEMP, LONG LIVE THE HEMP!!”

And so even today, on this special dark helladay, as we remember the sacrifices made by the people during the Great Hellaween Massacre, we are reminded that the HEMP really wasn’t all that bad.

Happy Hellaween everyone, and enjoy that pumpkin pie :-).

Boo!

So here I present something more comprehensive. A Heath Buckmaster FAQ based on an interesting assessment we recently did at work. Enjoy the peek into my mind…

General Characteristics of Heath:

• Heath becomes frustrated in situations that are nothing more than rambling discussion
• Precision and accuracy are important to Heath
• Heath doesn’t like dirty or messy environments / prefers orderly environments (read: OCD)
• Heath likes facts and data and is an intuitive thinker (read: INTJ)
• Likes challenges / likes to study and analyze problems
• Skilled at observing
• Heath has a low level of trust with strangers
• Heath tends to ask specific and very blunt questions
• Heath prefers events that start and finish on time and gets upset with people who do not adhere to rules

When interacting with Heath it is important to:

• Have your facts together and provide solid, tangible evidence for your position
• Listen to him
• Be accurate, realistic, and respect his quiet demeanor
• Avoid buzz words or jargon
• Don’t waste his time or dillydally around the subject
• Don’t touch his body while talking to him
• Be specific, not vague

Ideally Heath prefers:

• Privacy, Peace, Harmony
• Non-political environments
• Close relationships with a small number of people
• Using logic vs. emotion to solve a problem

You might perceive Heath to be: Pessimistic, Picky, Fussy, Hard-to-Please, Defensive, Perfectionist.

Heath would say he is: precise, thorough, analytical, diplomatic, knowledgeable.

Adjectives describing Heath might include: determined, aggressive, competitive, decisive, inquisitive, responsible, factual, skeptical, logical, undemonstrative, suspicious, matter-of-fact, pessimistic, moody, predictable, consistent, stable, cautious, neat, accurate, open-minded, balanced.

If there are any faults in Heath, they may include:

• Being critical of actions that can not be backed up with logic or fact
• Choosing to be around people who are like himself
• Being overly suspicious of people’s motives
• Prefers things to people - in order to avoid emotional reactions
• Often appears aloof or pretentious

You know the old adage - “Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

So when I walked into work this morning and grabbed a banana from the free-fruit basket, here’s what I saw…

Looks like a normal banana right? It’s got the usual Chiquita sticker on it, and it’s a pleasing looking banana.

But let’s take a closer look at the blue sticker…what does it say?

That’s right…

“Pocket size fun!”

You can’t make this stuff up people.

Our friends Dave and John chose a perfect spot (the 15th floor of the Hyatt overlooking the Capital) for their wedding ceremony, dinner, and reception. I like weddings that are all inclusive like that, especially the hosted bar for the first hour ;-).

The service was performed by the former minster of the local MCC, and it was a blend of Christian and contemporary readings (including poetry from Robert Frost, and some Native American writings).

After the service they served dinner while guests socialized and hit the bar before it switched to no-host. We had a great time at our table - laughing, drinking, having fun with the wait staff, and generally goofing off like you do at a wedding reception. And then the fun started.

After numerous champagne toasts, lots of red wine, and a few screwdrivers/dirty martini’s/vodka cran’s, we were ready to dance. The DJ took requests, and after the obligatory slow songs to start the night off with, things got going.

It got so crazy at one point that all the groomsmen took their pants off (no worries, they had VERY long tux coats) and did a conga line around the dance floor to “I’m too sexy” by Right Said Fred. Hilarious. As soon as I figure out how to get the video off of my phone I’ll try to post it.

Anyway - thank you California for letting these types of ceremonies be possible for couples who love each other.

And a reminder to everyone who can, vote NO on 8. Don’t allow hate to be written into our constitution.

And finally, congratulations to Dave and John!!! Many years of joy to both of you!

Get those pens, pencils, keyboards, or voice recorders ready because it’s almost time for NaNoWriMo 2008!! NaNoWriMo is the National Novel Writing Month annual competition for writers across the world. It is your opportunity to network with people from around the planet who are all writing as madly as they can to reach the 50,000 word goal. It runs November 1-30.

I know 50K looks like a big scary number, but believe me it’s absolutely do-able. 30 days, 50,000 words. That’s an average of 1666 words per day, which is not a lot. There will be some days when you might hammer out 9000 words, and other days when only 600 are penned, but if you keep yourself focused on the goal you’ll hit it with plenty of time (and words) to spare.

This is my third year participating, and it will hopefully be another win. I have several story ideas that have been waiting in the wings, and NaNoWriMo is a great forcing function to get a story written. If you’ve been lacking motivation to get those ideas into some cohesive story-line, give NaNoWriMo a try. Your story doesn’t have to be perfect, and in fact, you’re encouraged to avoid edits as you write. Just get the story written and you can edit in December and beyond. And believe me, it will take beyond.

Edits on my stories have taken anywhere from 2-9 months, and it’s sometimes quite an undertaking, but very rewarding.

So mark your calendar for NaNoWriMo 2008 - November 1-30, and feel free to add me to your friend list when you register on the site!

It’s not like a piercing which can easily be removed. My left ear is pierced in two places: the normal spot, and in the cartilage at the top of the ear. The normal spot no longer has anything in it, and unless you’re close up, you can’t tell it’s even pierced.

The one at the top still has a hoop in it, and probably will for a long time. If I remove that one it will be much more noticeable since that one punched a hole through the ear. But still, relatively easy to remove with a simple twist.

Tats, not so much. Unless you want to go through laser surgery, you’re pretty much with them for life. If you are of the Christian persuasion, you’ve probably heard “the body is a temple” - and while that’s interesting, take a look at the multitude of cultures in the world who decorate their bodies. They are defiling them, they are celebrating them. So now that I had decided it was perfectly acceptable to my personal morals to get tat’d, I was still deciding what to get.

I’ve long been interested in Egyptian culture. I find affinity with such an ancient civilization, especially given that many of their beliefs and societal values were the framework for cultures of today (and yet somehow we think we are unique). So when it came to choice, the natural one was that I wanted to have tats that were Egyptian in nature, yet had meaning for me.

I finally decided on the design/characters, and Rachelle and I went to the tat shop (she was getting some work done at the same time).

It was pretty intense…I actually went into mild shock and went into a cold sweat, blood sugar dropped, all that good stuff until they gave me some M&M’s and all was well. Within an hour or so I had my first two tats just under my neckline.

The symbol represents the god Ra (done in Hieratic) - which is the god of creation / sun. You could think of this as the positive force. Well I couldn’t stop at that. If you’re going to decorate your temple, you can’t just put up one curtain, you’ve got to put them up on all the windows.

But I didn’t want to go nuts. So about 6 months later I got my next set of tats, this time on my right calf, and instead of representing the creation force they represent the destructive force. This one represents Set - chaos and destruction. You could think of this as the yang to the yin creating a balance on my body.

I haven’t decided what my next tat will be, but it’s going to happen soon - I can feel it. I’m waiting for the inspiration to hit.

Do you have any tats?

Illustration:

Heath: “Wow the kitchen is a mess!”

David: “And that is why I’m going to clean it!”

Heath: “Yay!”

David: “Later tonight.”

Heath: “Oh…”

Strategic Pause is used in a conversation to elaborate on the original statement with humour, negation, or reversal.

In the above example we are first presented with a very pleasing statement that David is going to clean the kitchen. This is followed by the strategic pause at which point David offers a combination of negation and reversal. The implication is that he is going to clean the kitchen immediately, but using SP he shows that he will actually do it later.

This pattern of speech can also be used to attempt humour. “I’m having a baby (SP) as soon as I find someone worthwhile to impregnate me.” Notice that before the SP the listener is feeling an urge to congratulate, but after the completion of the statement the listener is either chuckling or embarrassed at believing the lie.

As you can see, Strategic Pause is rarely used for beneficial purposes.

Some famous strategic pauses:

“Mission Accomplished…” - this one actually never came back from the pause

“I like long walks (SP) especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” - Fred Allen

“O Lord, help me to be pure (SP) but not yet.” - Saint Augustine

“I spent a year in that town (SP) one Sunday.” - George Burns

“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years (SP) I didn’t want to interrupt her.” - Rodney Dangerfield

“I bought some batteries (SP) but they weren’t included.” - Steven Wright

Use it wisely.

And thus I came up with Thorn Valley. Although it hasn’t been vetted properly, here’s the first chapter of the short story soon to be published. Enjoy, and I welcome comments.

Thorn Valley is a desolate place – or perhaps more accurately described, a dead place. A place where no plant, no animal, no anything could last for more than a few hours – maybe a day. Even the winds and rains avoided Thorn Valley, as if their essence would be smote if they remained too long.

Scattered across the land, the foolhardy adventurer would find clothing remnants, gold and silver jewelry, and numerous artifacts left by previous travelers. Well, not left exactly – more so they were all that remained of those previous travelers whose lives had ended here, and whose bodies and bones had long ago turned to dust. It seemed that despite their foreknowledge of this desolate and deadly place, once they entered the valley they found it impossible to escape.

While true that the valley held no life, it was the hunting ground for the dead – wraiths, spirits, melancholy and malevolent ghosts from years so ancient as to be uncountable. They hovered silently over the sands of time which blanketed the valley in a sparkling and awe inspiring blindness. The sun had no fear of this place – likely due only to its distance – and it sent its glowing warmth to beat upon the rocks and sand.

Outcroppings of boulders and smaller rocks were scattered across the floor of the valley. Had this been a living place, those areas would have made perfect hiding spots for numerous predators seeking to snare the unaware adventurer. Alas, what hid there now was much worse – a terror of shadow and void that sat quietly in wait for the next curious soul to venture across the threshold.

Most treasure seekers felt confident that they alone could overcome the valley to steal the riches of years past and return to fame and fortune. And likewise, the valley had seen to it to destroy each of them in devious and terrifying ways, slowly adding to its treasure.

* Thorn Valley excerpt copyright 2008 by Heath L. Buckmaster. All rights reserved.

This morning on NPR, during a very difficult interview with Obama’s campaign adviser (difficult because the adviser was barely able to speak in coherent sentences, and apparently couldn’t even hear the interviewer most of the time), Robert Siegel (NPR) played an audio clip of a woman in West Virginia who was trying to figure out who she should vote for.

She considered herself a democrat, and was not at all interested in McCain, however, she was also unsure about Obama. Why? Because she thought that if he was elected president he would only care about “his people” and not about anyone else. That’s right…”his people”.

She made a point to mention that she doesn’t consider herself racist, yet she basically insinuated that a black president would only care about black people, without actually bringing herself to say the word black. And all the while delighting us with her WV accent.

I don’t have anything against people with accents.

I do, however, have a problem with ignorance.

The end.

I will begin by disclosing that I am not a republican, and in no way do I share the ideals and beliefs of McCain or Palin. I’m sure that in some way they are both lovely people to their family and friends, but that’s where it ends for me.

Last night’s debate was probably the most anticipated and watched debate of this election cycle, and I’ll venture to guess that more people watched it than the presidential debate (or will for the next one). I will also assume that people were watching to see if Palin would have any repeat performances like her much lampooned interviews with Katie Couric.

I don’t think that she had any major blunders last night - though a few of the questions did throw her for a loop. When the topic abruptly shifted from politics to climate change, she seemed completely unprepared for the change in subject and stumbled pretty heavily over a number of buzzwords. In fact, her performance in the second half of the show was painful - and a republican commentator even mentioned that no matter what republican you put on the stage, they will never win a debate on foreign policy. I think that’s saying something, and it’s not a good something.

Biden was professional, and only once or twice got a bit wind-baggy, which he’s been chided for in the past. He did a bit of repeating - on purpose - which got somewhat tedious, but he was blasting away with facts, figures, and very specific examples for most of the questions asked by the moderator. Palin on the other hand was also professional, when she wasn’t being folksy and “heck ya’ll”, but rarely spoke in specifics. Both candidates were chastised by the moderator for not answering one of her questions, but overall, Biden delivered, Palin did not.

The Palin buzzwords of the evening were “maverick”, “energy producing state”, “darn”, and a few other colloquialisms from up north. Oh and I should mention the best one of the night…Palin said nucular four times in one sentence. That’s right folks, nucular. Not nuclear. Nucular. It’s really hard to tell the American public that you’re not “more of the same”, when you can’t even speak English. And another thing - there is no General McClellan running the show overseas. Get the names right.

I want to bounce back to the opening for a moment, when the candidates met at center stage to greet each other. I’m thinking the mic’s should have been turned off for that, because we learned that Palin and Biden had never actually met each other before, and we also heard her ask “can I call you Joe?”. No Governor, you can not. You can refer to him in the professional manner that he referred to you all night, with your title. Senator and Governor. Not “Joe and Sarah’s Crabshack Debate”.

On to the wrap-up. Both candidates were passionate about their position, although Biden was passionate about Obama’s position AND his own, while Palin was passionate about McCain’s only. She spoke very little about what SHE would do (aside from the direct question on what special tasks McCain wanted her to run as VP) and more about what McCain had voted on, and what he wanted to accomplish. Even the question about what a Palin administration would look like seemed to derail her.

Each candidate ended with a practiced speech to encourage the viewers to vote for their presidential candidate. It wasn’t about Biden and Palin at that point, it was about Obama and McCain. It felt like one big presidential advertisement. Wasn’t this supposed to be the VP debate?

Heck, I don’t know about you but darnit golly gee I wanted to hear some tougher questions and less ridiculousness from Palin referring to Biden’s wife having her “reward in heaven” for being a teacher.

She can just go bless herself.

* Note: And just to make it very clear, my comments about Palin’s performance have nothing to do with her gender. Regardless of her gender I do not believe that someone who only got a passport recently, believes in killing animals for sport, and publicly admits that she’s “only been in this for a few weeks” has any right or experience to be 2nd in command of the United States. A commentator said it best last night - if Palin were in the situation room after 9/11 and was in charge of making the call to shoot down planes coming into US airspace, would you feel comfortable with that? No.

When you arrive you are taken to your assigned table and presented with an Answer Form. I won’t show you my answer form here, because if you’re planning to be at the show any time in the next several months it will ruin the surprise for you. Basically the answer form has you enter your name, list out the names of the three victims, the person(s) who murdered them, and why they were murdered.

That’s the nuts and bolts of the show, with a bunch of other ridiculousness sprinkled in for good measure. The actors did a great job keeping the crowd entertained, kept the evening flowing, and made for a very enjoyable evening.

Once the murders had taken place and they clues were reviewed, they collected all the answer forms for the “judging”. Basically the person who solved all three mysteries with the most amount of detail won, and they were awarded with the 1st Place Super Sleuth prize.

Guess who won?

That’s right. Yours truly got the top prize for getting all of the answers correct, and likely the most creative answers. I will admit that I did do a little kissing up to the judges on my answer form.

I MAY have insinuated that the judges were wonderful people, and I MIGHT have told them what a great job they were doing. But alas, I still got all the answers right ;-).

It was a delightful evening all around, and we got the chance to dress up a bit and solve a few murders.

If you get the opportunity, go see the show. You can buy tickets online or via phone, and they are very reasonable for an evening out. The show lasts about 2.5 hours, which includes the meal (your choice of beef, chicken, or vegetarian options), and the actors do a wonderful job - you might even recognize some of them from other work they’ve done in local theatres.

Good sleuthing everyone!

Today is Day 2 of the dreaded 5-week program, and although I have a stomach full of butterflies, I’m better prepared this time.

This morning I had a small breakfast of 1 egg and 1 plum. They’ve had time to settle in my stomach and start digesting, and hopefully will not make a return appearance at the park today.

I also set out early this morning (if you consider 8:30am early) to Target. Last week the instructor told me I had to wear black shorts this week, so after searching the entire house for the black shorts I used to have and realizing that I no longer have them, I went to buy new ones.

I found some that have cool white stripes down the side - Converse brand - so I’m stylin’ and profilin’ for workout round 2. I also bought a new pair of running shoes, because goodness knows I’m going to be running a lot today. So aside from the polyester shirt that itches like nobody’s business, I’m ready to go.

One thing that will change from last week is that I’m not going to start out at a sprint. I’m going to take it easy and let my heart and lungs gradually pick up the pace. I can’t afford to be non-functional for the next 3 days like I was last week. Hopefully each week will get better, plus I’m trying to do some exercizing and stretching during the week too.

And now…off to more punishment.

POST BOOTCAMP UPDATE: OMG. Today was even worse than last week, although I’m feeling better this afternoon than I did last time. The workout was intense and I could barely keep up, but I didn’t quit. The instructor asked me how I was doing at one point and I said “I’m trying!”. He thought I said “I’m dying”. Then later when he asked again I said “I’m still here!”.

Again they were both very encouraging and supportive, but also firm in pushing people to their best. I really don’t know why some of the folks are there - they look in really good shape to me…certainly very few people who have extra weight on them like I do.

Anyway - rough day, but my recovery time improved, so that’s a really good thing.

When I arrived at the local gym where they start from, I noticed that one by one lots of women were showing up, but no guys. Oh well, this was about me getting in better shape, and I can interact with females just as well as with males.

After everyone arrived (and I changed in the required group tshirt), we set off on a run to a local park. That was where it started going downhill - right at the beginning. I am not a runner. I don’t run. If I have to go somewhere I walk or drive. I was exhausted after the first two blocks, and so I moved back to the “slow group” and entered a jog instead of a run. We paused to do a quick set of deep leg bends, and when I stood up to set off on the jog, both of my legs gave out of me. I nearly hit the ground. Talk about not being in shape.

I certainly don’t think of myself as completely sedentary, but this really pointed out how little I use my body on a daily basis - especially sitting at a desk most of the day. So once again I went with the slow group as we continued the jog to the park, whereupon we began push ups, lunges, jumping jacks, relay races, and any number of things that worked my body to the point of exhaustion.

I was breathing harder than I’ve ever breathed in my life (and I’m still coughing from it); my arms were aching; my legs were screaming at me; I was by far the slowest person in the entire group. I don’t feel bad about this, however, because everyone else that was there had done this before. I was the new guy, so to speak. So I watched as 14 girls ran circles around me, literally.

The instructors were motivational, but firm. There was a lot of “Come on Buckmaster!” but there was also a lot of “Good job Heath! Keep going!”.

By the end of the hour I was kaputt. I walked the mile back to the fitness center, and by then, everyone else in the class was long gone. I splashed some water on my face, got in my car and went home. Whereupon I slept for about 3 hours after taking a shower that gave my body chills. I was barely able to eat two strawberries, and downed about half a glass of water before I thought that would be enough. It pretty much demolished the entire rest of my day.

I couldn’t walk around the house without being in a lot of physical pain; my headache throbbed despite taking a lot of ibuprofin; it was overall a complete body attack. I pushed myself way too hard on the first day, having not worked out in years.

But, I’m paid up for 5 sessions of this, so I’m assuming I have to keep going, atleast four more times. I’m sure it will get easier, and the “burn is good”, according to other people who I have talked to…but I tell ya…I totally got my butt kicked in that first workout. Even today I am barely able to walk around the house, and forget about picking up laundry…that takes 10 minutes just to get myself near the floor so I can scoop it up.

Anyway - that’s how day one of fitness bootcamp went….hopefully I’ll survive another 4 weeks.

I’m happy to go on the record to state that I in no way support the Republican party, because they, in general, do not support me. Many of them believe that I will go to something called “hell” when I die, and some of them believe that I’m an abomination on the face of the planet because a book told them so. I’m as much of an abomination as Paris Hilton (who I secretly adore). Oh … wait.

Anyway.

America is a very isolated place. When the 11th of September arrived and two of our landmark financial buildings were destroyed, we were shocked. How could this happen in our country? This type of thing happens all the time in other countries - we are just too isolated to ever think it could happen here. I know people who live in the same place they grew up and have no desire to even travel outside the town they live - not even to another state. We have created a self-imposed isolation and it’s not attractive.

Apparently that also extends to Sarah Palin - the person who wants to be your next Vice President. Since she can see Russia from her backyard there’s apparently no reason to go there. Apparently if you can SEE another country there’s really no need to visit is there? Because seeing it from a distance will tell you everything about it: its people, its culture, its ness, its everything. Gosh she must be awfully smart about Russia from all those days sitting on the back porch staring across the waters at another kingdom she wants to conquer. There must be smudges all over the globe in her living room - “Wow, Uganda sure is a pretty shade of blue. I wonder what makes their country so blue?”

According to the NY Times, she didn’t have a passport until last year. LAST YEAR. Who knew that having a passport for less than 18 months qualifies you to be the VP of this country? One would think that at the top levels of government it’s pretty much a requirement that you’ve spent a significant amount of time NOT in your own country, because after all, isn’t running a country about the relationships you build with other countries? We’re not living in a loony lunar colony are we?

For regular Americans I can almost barely sort of but not so much forgive them for not having a passport. Although these figures are dated I’ll use them anyway and say that about 34% of you out there have one. (as of 2007 - USA today reports 74 million out of 281 million have passports) That means 66% have never set foot beyond the borders of this country. They have never experienced another culture first-hand. They have missed out on 90% of the World Heritage Sites. They haven’t seen another country unless they look at a map, much less out the back window of their house. And no, traveling via Google Maps or Google Earth does NOT count. [Listen to her talk to Katie Couric about why she didn't have a passport until recently]

Pathetic. Absolutely pathetic. It’s reprehensible that we expect people to respect us in the world when over half our country isn’t even aware that there IS a rest of the world. It’s no wonder so many non-US comics berate us for thinking we’re the only country on the planet.

If you want to be a citizen of the world, I think you should get out there and SEE the world. Get off your butt, turn off the History Channel, and go out there and see history for yourself.

Otherwise, please go back to your gorgeous house and admire Russia from a distance…and stay there.